To Run
by CaptainKrueger
Summary: Sanji is forced to reckon with his decisions during Whole Cake Island when he and Zoro finally reunite in Wano.
1. Part One: To Break

**Part One: To Break**

**Author's Note:** For the purposes of this fic, Pudding never erases Sanji's memories in WCI. Find me on Tumblr at whereistheonepiece to see me post Zosan headcanons and generally mess around talking about One Piece.

* * *

Sanji approached Wano with a sense of dread that weighed down his chest and took residence in the back of his head; throughout the chaos of entering the secluded land and his own inner turmoil regarding the events that took place on Whole Cake Island sat the reminder that he would eventually have to face Zoro, and thus the consequences of his actions.

Sanji wanted to believe that Zoro would see reason and accept Sanji's return with no more difficulty that a quick swipe of his katanas, but realistically speaking Sanji understood that it wouldn't be so simple with Zoro. He'd run off from the crew with full intent to sacrifice his well-being to Vinsmoke and Big Mom's political machinations in return for his crew's safety–and that included Zoro and the contentment he and Sanji had carved out in the middle of the Grand Line for themselves. Of course Zoro wouldn't take his decision so lightly; Sanji would be lucky to get away with just their usual play-fighting.

Still he toyed with this futile hope during the time it took them to reach Wano and until he and Zoro finally stood at each other's sides. Zoro did not appear overjoyed to see him, but Sanji could easily explain that away as a by-product of the situation they were in. Zoro simply tossed the child O-Toko into his arms and ran off to where the fight needed him, and Sanji resolved to approach him later.

* * *

Sanji finally found his chance to talk with Zoro days later, with everyone preparing for the raid in a few days' time, and was promptly greeted with a "I don't want to talk right now, Cook."

"What, you busy, Marimo?" Sanji challenged, willing this conversation to be over with already so they could get back to scrapping and then slipping away for some alone time from everyone else.

"Kinda?" Zoro replied, looking at Sanji incredulously.

"Look, asshole, I just want to know where you and I stand right now."

"We don't have time for this, San–"

"That's why I'm trying to _make_ the time!" Sanji exploded. "If I let you keep using that excuse, the fight'll be here before we know it and nothing's going to get resolved."

"What's there to talk about?" Zoro asked, looking at Sanji impassively in a way that made him grit his teeth in frustration and want to smash that stupid face of his in for not taking this seriously. "You left and now you're back."

Sanji shook his head in disbelief. "You're mad at me, aren't you? Shit, Zoro, I'd be mad at me."

"Oh, I'm mad, shit-cook," Zoro admitted. "But the world isn't going to end just because you did something stupid."

Sanji stared at Zoro in disbelief. "Don't you want to fight me?" he asked, voice lowering as he realized he may just yet come out of this unscathed.

"Should I fight you?" Zoro asked, staring at Sanji more closely, eye narrowing suspiciously. "Something eating at you, Cook?"

Sanji clenched his fists, looking down at the ground as the memory of his proposal to Pudding wrapped him in a vice-like grip.

"Sanji," Zoro said, his voice dangerously low and level. "What did you do?"

"I didn't just run away, Zoro. I...proposed to the woman I was engaged to."

"Well, yeah," Zoro said, features relaxing. "That's what you do when you're engaged, right? Keeps up appearances."

"No," Sanji said softly, shaking his head gently, still staring at the ground, at a nearby tree, anywhere other than Zoro. "I mean I asked her to marry me...in private. No one else around. But it didn't really mean anything! She wasn't who she said she was, I did it in the heat of the moment, and I came back–and I would have, regardless. That has to count for something, right?"

Sanji looked up when Zoro didn't respond and saw the other man standing there with his eyes closed, a deep scowl furrowing his brow. Even from his distance Sanji could see the slight tremble to Zoro's frame, and he tensed his muscles for an attack that never came.

Zoro finally opened his eye when his face cleared itself of anger, his expression unreadable, his eye cold and devoid of emotion. "Don't follow me," Zoro growled, turning and walking away.

Grimacing, Sanji held his breath as he waited for something to happen until the sound of steel swinging through the air and the sound of something large falling to the ground sounded off in the near distance.

Sanji cursed under his breath and told himself he'd try approaching Zoro another time.

* * *

Finding Zoro after he'd woken up from one of his cat naps did not put him in a more agreeable mood like Sanji had hoped for. Anger instantly cleared the fog of sleep in Zoro's eye as he looked upon Sanji and shot up to his feet.

"No," he said before turning on his heel and trying to walk off.

"Would you just stop?" Sanji said through his teeth, grabbing Zoro's shoulder and stopping him.

Zoro tensed under his touch, looking at him over his shoulder and glaring at him murderously. "The hell you want?"

"I don't know!" Sanji roared. "Something! Punch me, try to cut me up, yell at me–anything, so I know we're okay."

"We're not."

"Okay," Sanji said, panting. "That's a start."

"No, that's all there is," Zoro replied. "I don't know how I can go forward with you after all this."

"Do you not trust me?" Sanji asked, sounding more accusatory than he intended. He'd expected a fight but surely they could work past this. Sanji was here, trying to work things out with Zoro, and not back on Whole Cake Island married to a woman he barely knew. Zoro had to realize that.

"I trust you with my life," Zoro said, looking at Sanji flatly, like he was reciting common knowledge that shouldn't bear repeating. _If you jump into the ocean, you're gonna get wet, Sanji._ "Just like I would trust anyone on the ship."

"That's not what I mean!"

"I know. It's just such a dumb question I would rather pretend you didn't ask it," Zoro replied obstinately.

"You're impossible!" Sanji growled, gripping at his hair in frustration. "I meant do you not trust me to not run away!"

"It's not that you ran away, dumbass!" Zoro exclaimed, fist balling up the fabric of Sanji's clothing, pulling him closer until he could feel hot, angry breath on his face. Zoro's eye shone brightly with a white hot intensity that made Sanji swallow anxiously, as if Zoro could strip away the artifice and really see Sanji for who he was with a single look. Strip away the disguise, the bravado, and what was left? Someone currently drowning, Sanji realized. "I could have forgiven that."

Zoro might as well have jabbed him in the center of his gut with Wado's hilt.

Clenching his teeth, Zoro looked down and relinquished his grip on Sanji, shoving him away in disgust, another blow. "I could have forgiven that," he repeated. "Sure, I'd have been pissed and let you stew, but I'd have gotten over it."

He fixed Sanji with a piercing stare, and Sanji wondered if he saw moisture from half-formed tears in Zoro's eye. "But what I can't forgive is that you proposed to her. Not to keep up appearances, but because you _wanted to._ That's what I can't get past, Sanji–"

"I was trying to make the best of a shitty situation!" Sanji protested heatedly, interrupting Zoro before he could detail the ways Sanji had hurt him, hoping that if he could simply explain himself, Zoro would accept his explanation and cool off. "I didn't think I'd see any of you again!"

"Please!" Zoro scoffed, shattering Sanji's desperate illusion that this could have even a relatively simple fix. "You know damn well that Luffy wasn't going to roll over and let someone take away one of his crewmates. You had to know that."

"I–"

"You know what I think?" Zoro pressed on, steamrolling Sanji's attempts to speak. And despite Sanji's protests, Zoro wouldn't look at him. He made a show of calming himself: he exhaled loudly, rolled the tension out of his shoulders, flexed his fingers so they were no longer curled into fists. This was when Sanji knew that he was in trouble. Zoro did not calm himself down like this, not where Sanji was concerned; he pulled out his katanas so the two of them could fight it out until they worked off some of the pressure that had built between them.

But Zoro wasn't doing that.

"I think it was what you really wanted," Zoro said softly, looking up at Sanji with considerable effort. A look of realization was spreading across his face until it settled and shifted into one of grim resignation. Sanji did not like that look on Zoro's face. "I think you knew she was what you wanted for your future. And…I'm not."

"Zoro…" Sanji said, a tremble in his voice.

Zoro fixed Sanji with a level stare as he placed his hand on Sanji's shoulder. "You're going to find the All Blue someday, take over the Baratie, and find yourself a nice woman you can pamper and spoil. You're going to get married and probably have a million children. You're going to have a good life, Sanji."

Just not with me, is what he didn't say.

"But I want _you,_ Zoro! I'm just an idiot!" Sanji cried out, grasping at Zoro's forearm desperately with both hands, though he wanted to do more than that–wanted to press their bodies together, pin him to the ground, anything to keep him from leaving.

There was so much that Sanji wanted to say, but was unable to. Words half-formed themselves before running together in a muddled mess, leaving him speechless, all because Zoro, in spite of the pain and anger he must have been feeling, was managing to treat him so gently when he least deserved it.

Anger, Sanji could deal with, could understand. But not this.

Zoro regarded Sanji morosely, Adam's apple bobbing in his throat as he swallowed thickly. He gave Sanji's shoulder a small squeeze before finally letting go, pulling his hand back slowly to give Sanji time to release his grip. And Sanji, though his entire being protested, relented with a small shudder, the phantom touch of Zoro's hand burning through Sanji's clothing to his skin.

Zoro set his hand down on Wado. "No," he said quietly, in a hoarse voice that would haunt Sanji's coming nights. "No, I don't think you are."

With that said, Zoro sniffed as he turned around and walked off, leaving Sanji behind.

* * *

The time of the raid came and went, with Luffy emerging victorious and Kaido and Orochi deposed, the two of them no longer able to harm the country. The land and traumatized people of Wano would need time to rebuild and heal, but tonight would be a night of revelry and celebration, with Luffy and the Straw Hats' allies as guests of honor.

Sanji, now that he had time to breathe and properly think, smiled distractedly at his friends and allies while they threw themselves into the celebration. He, however, kept himself off on the sidelines as he watched the rest of the partiers, unable to partake in the merriment. Zoro approached him amid the festivities, told him to follow him, and sent him a look that meant he wouldn't take no for an answer, as if Sanji could resist at this point.

"Hey, tell me something," Zoro said when he and Sanji found a quiet place.

"What?"

Zoro stared at Sanji again long enough for him to feel restless. Sanji couldn't look at Zoro for very long without squirming, lately. He decided to distract himself by lighting a cigarette, hand trembling lightly as he placed the cigarette between his lips.

"If she had turned out to be who she pretended to be, would you really have come back at all?"

"You've made it pretty clear you don't want to listen to what I have to say, asshole!" Sanji bristled, exhaling smoke through his nose like an irate dragon, which probably made it harder to take him seriously.

Zoro looked at Sanji blandly, unimpressed and unmoved by Sanji's display of anger. "Just play along, would you?" he said, sounding tired instead of snarking back at him like he would have before everything went to shit. Zoro looked off in the distance and silence settled between the two of them long enough for it to become uncomfortable before he spoke again. "I need to know."

Sanji hesitated, wishing he had pockets he could slip his hands into. Instead he busied himself with taking another drag of his cigarette. He held his breath, cigarette poised in his fingers as he gazed in the direction of a far-off mountain as he pretended to give it thought. He exhaled slowly, trying to expel the tension that had settled in the center of his chest since leaving Whole Cake Island. No such luck.

"Do you really think," he said slowly, sliding his gaze towards Zoro, "so little of me, Marimo?" A small, _stubborn_ part of him meant to taunt Zoro into fighting him, just for old time's sake, but Sanji's voice lacked the bite and ended up sounding more melancholy than he wanted.

Zoro set his jaw, staring at Sanji wordlessly, a small frown darkening his features.

Sanji closed his eyes, taking his time with his next inhale and exhale. Zoro wouldn't take the bait anyway. "I did something stupid, Zoro," he murmured, pointing his eyes at the ground. "I think you realize that I have some dark, secret fantasy of becoming the tragic hero that gives his life for the people he loves."

Zoro scowled at Sanji dredging up old memories of Zoro's deal with Kuma, but he said nothing. Sanji also said nothing. That was how it had been on Thriller Bark, too; they'd traded insults once Zoro had woken up and they'd found a moment alone, made out aggressively because that was all Zoro could manage in his state–until Chopper found them, yelled at them, and pushed Sanji away whilst telling him to find something else to do–and that was that. Maybe that was their problem, Sanji mused: they didn't talk when things got difficult.

Sanji exhaled slowly. "This was just…another way of doing that."

"Did you really think that Luffy was going to–"

"I _wasn't_ thinking," Sanji interrupted, still pretending to look at the ground. "Don't you _get it,_ Zoro? I wasn't thinking when that happened and I wasn't thinking when I did…what I did with Pudding. She was the only one to show me some kindness when everyone else was finding excuses to beat the shit out of me and I…"

Sanji stopped himself, sighing as he realized how weak his explanation sounded, even if it was the truth. _The truth._ Sanji frowned at himself. The truth of the matter was that Sanji was so desperate to become some kind of martyr that he acted without thinking. _Of course_ he knew that Luffy and the others wouldn't let him go, on some level. They hadn't let Robin go when the World Government tried to claim her. Why should he be any different?

Sanji grimaced. That was a question he didn't want to ponder for too long, so he chose to push that thought to the side. He sniffed. "You can hate me if you want."

_I hate me, too._

"I don't, you know."

Sanji looked up at Zoro. He tried blinking away the moisture that had accumulated in his eyes and, _damn it,_ Zoro wasn't making it any easier.

Zoro inhaled and exhaled slowly through his nose, looking off to the side. "I don't. It would make this a hell of a lot easier if I did."

Sanji said nothing as he brought his cig back up to his lips, waiting to see if Zoro would say anything else. The pressure in his chest worsened as he looked at the man he loved, seeing that he was hurting as much as Sanji was, and Sanji wished there was something he could do to make it go away for both of them.

"I've _never_ hated you, Sanji," Zoro continued. "I don't think there's anything you can do to ever make me hate you."

"Don't," Sanji said, voice cracking, head dropping down. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying and failing to keep his lower lip from trembling as two tears spilled out. He didn't remember dropping his cigarette, but it wasn't in his hand anymore. "Don't say that. Say that you hate my guts and you never want to see my face again. It would make things easier."

Sanji heard Zoro move in closer, felt two warm, calloused hands cup his face and turn his head to look up. Zoro was staring at Sanji with such concern that it became too much for him; his breathing became convulsive as tears spilled down his face without his say-so, his shoulders trembling as he wept in front of Zoro.

Strong arms wrapped around Sanji and pulled him closer to the firm, steady wall that was Zoro's torso. Sanji didn't question this; he grabbed onto fistfulls of Zoro's yukata until he managed to get ahold of himself, but he did not move, hunched over Zoro's chest as he was.

"Why are you being nice to me?" he asked, trying to find a small wisp of indignation that he could grab onto. It was easier to be angry. So why couldn't he get angry? Why couldn't Zoro?

"Because, shit-cook," Zoro said, using one of his old nicknames for Sanji for the first time since ending things with Sanji, and that only made the pain in his chest even more staggering. "I don't like seeing you like this."

Sanji's breath quivered as he dropped his forehead against Zoro's shoulder. "I don't know how to make this better, Zoro."

Zoro sighed near Sanji's ear while he worked his fingers into Sanji's hair. Sanji slowly lifted his head, staring into Zoro's eye, his lips parted in shock. Zoro then cupped Sanji's cheek before he used the pad of his thumb to wipe away a stray tear running down Sanji's face.

The two continued to stare at each other and Sanji wondered if Zoro was holding his breath like he suddenly was. Nearly all of Sanji's muscles beneath the neck tensed in torturous anticipation as he awaited some kind of cue from Zoro.

Zoro leaned in and brushed his lips against Sanji's forehead. Sanji froze. He let go of Zoro, staring at him dumbly until Zoro looked away and down at the ground, taking a step back.

"I'm sorry," he muttered. "I'm just–I don't know. I don't even know what to feel. I need time. I just needed you to know, Cook, that whatever happens, I'm sorry. About all of it."

Sanji nodded, feeling numb and disconnected from the movements his body was making. Funny. He was the one who should be apologizing. "Yeah. Me too."

Zoro looked back in the direction of the party, setting his hand down on Wado. "I'm heading back, now."

Sanji was already lighting up again as Zoro started to walk away, murmuring some sort of distracted response through his teeth around his new cigarette. If Zoro was still looking at him, he didn't know.

He hoped he was.

And that's when the sensible part of him knocked against the walls of Sanji's mind. _Talk to him, dumbass!_

"Hey, Zoro?" Sanji said, wondering if Zoro could even hear him.

Zoro looked over his shoulder, hand resting on Wado. "Yeah?"

"I–I miss you, you know," Sanji said, just barely loudly enough for Zoro to hear. He realized that maybe that wasn't all that he was saying; maybe he was using the word "miss" because he was trying to avoid a word that now came with baggage for the both of them.

A pained look spread across Zoro's face and Sanji realized that Zoro had to be thinking the same thing. He turned his head and continued to walk off. "Miss you, too, curly brow."

When he was sure Zoro was gone, Sanji tilted his head back as he looked up at the sky. Staring at the stars and the vast expanse of space, Sanji sniffled as a lone tear squeezed its way out and ran down his face, followed by another and then another. The skin on his forehead burned with the memory of where Zoro had kissed him, and Sanji closed his eyes as he inhaled deeply, trying to remember how it felt before his breath hitched without warning and he was crying again, sobbing frantically into his hand while his cigarette hung limp between his fingers.

"Oh, god," he murmured.

_Oh, god. Oh, god, please, oh oh oh oh…_

**End of Act One**


	2. Part Two: To Resist

**Part Two: To Resist**

**Author's Note:** Thanks to those of you who've left encouraging comments over here, AO3, and Tumblr. It really means a lot to me to see people enjoying this fic. Replies always get a response from me and would be much appreciated. Stay beautiful. Find me on Tumblr at whereistheonepiece for more Zosan posts in between updates. Two left after this one if everything goes to plan.

* * *

The first thing Sanji did when returning to the _Sunny_ was throw himself into meal prep. The idea was to keep his mind and body too preoccupied to even have the time to think about Zoro and where things had gone so wrong, but in practice it was easy to find a near-meditative trance in the repetitive tasks involved in kitchen work when he didn't have someone else around to yell at or talk to–save the few times he had to kick Luffy out of the kitchen, but not even the bottomless pit that was his captain could persist the entire day.

This left Sanji ample time with his thoughts, and that was dangerous territory, so he tried remedying the situation by giving himself even more work than usual: he prepared snacks for the ladies, he made drinks for the crew, and he made meals even more elaborate than the crew was used to receiving. When he wasn't cooking, Sanji was cleaning, detailing the entire kitchen with the kind of intensity he normally reserved for the battlefield. If he couldn't escape his own mind in the daytime, then perhaps he could tire himself out enough so that he fell into a dead sleep later that night, free of dreams that involved iron masks and Zoro's arms around him–

Sanji scowled and grit his teeth, chopping at the vegetables he was going to sneak into Luffy's food with renewed vigor. It was easier to be angry, he reminded himself; if he loosened his grip on the fury burning a hole in his chest even a fraction, he'd fall into a pit of despair, and he didn't need any of his crewmates–not Luffy, not the ladies, and _especially_ not Zoro–to see him like this. Sanji's anger spread its tendrils in multiple directions: at Vinsmoke and his rotten sons, at Big Mom, at himself, _Zoro._

A small voice in the back of his mind told him that he had no right to be angry at Zoro, and Sanji released a strangled sound and stabbed his knife into the cutting board, palms slapping over his face and fingers sliding up until they tangled in his hair and curled into fists. He groaned. Logically he recognized that he shouldn't be mad at Zoro for reacting in the way he did to the news that Sanji had proposed to someone else, but there was the part of him that resented that this was what honesty got him, and today that part of him was winning. After all, Zoro had sent him mixed signals during that last night in Wano, pulling him in and kissing him in the way he had. Sanji wasn't the only to have done something stupid.

_Ha! Checkmate, Marimo._ Sanji raged in his mind before wondering if Zoro even knew what chess was.

Exhaling, Sanji washed his hands before returning to what he was doing, pulling the knife out of the cutting board and scraping the obliterated vegetables to the side for future use.

And in spite of all of his rage, in spite of his knowledge that no one was coming, Sanji kept looking in the direction of the door leading into the kitchen, his heart swelling with emotions he didn't care to name whenever he saw no one there.

* * *

He'd spent his nights in Wano wondering how his and Zoro's breakup would affect the dynamics on the ship and found that not much had actually changed, save for Zoro taking on a couple more watch shifts during the week, offering to take over for some of the others. Sanji heard him explain to Usopp that he didn't sleep much at night anyway, so he might as well. Usopp spent all of two seconds looking skeptical, raising an eyebrow and glancing over at Sanji, before slapping Zoro on the back and turning on his heel to check in with Nami and give her a kiss before leaving to goof off with Luffy and Chopper.

Sanji bit down on the filter of his cigarette at Usopp's silent acknowledgment that something was amiss, then he looked over at Zoro, who caught his eye but said nothing on his way to the crow's nest. Zoro would doubtlessly launch one of his insane workouts up there, which Sanji had noticed he'd been throwing himself into like Sanji was throwing himself into the kitchen. But Sanji couldn't spend all day, every day scrubbing the same inch of the dining table, just like Zoro couldn't spend the full twenty-four hours in the day lifting weights and meditating: they did cross paths sometimes, and Sanji would have felt proud of the both of them for not destroying the ship in their anger and grief if he didn't currently feel so numb inside, having run through the full spectrum of human emotion in such a short time. Even Sanji couldn't force himself to be angry for this long.

To Zoro's credit, he did still show up for meals and he did still retire to his bunk with the rest of them when he did deign to sleep in the men's quarters. It was almost normal back on _Thousand Sunny_, except that Zoro and Sanji no longer goaded each other into stupid fights over trivial things that were forgotten as quickly as they started. They didn't interact at all since that small moment between them during that last night in Wano and the realization finally stirred a feeling within Sanji that stood somewhere in the middle of frustration and melancholy. Whom he was frustrated at, though, it was harder to say this time.

Sanji startled when a hand sprouted from between his shoulder blades and tapped on his shoulder. He looked around until he saw Robin, sitting on a lawn chair, looking at him from behind her open book, blue eyes shining with that beautiful smile of hers that lifted some of the burden from his heart.

"Ah! Robin-chan," he greeted, voice lacking its usual enthusiasm but still undeniably light as he approached her. It was a dark day when one of his favorite ladies couldn't perk up his mood. "How can I help you? Can I make you some more tea? Or would you prefer some iced water?"

Robin giggled demurely, snapping her book shut and setting it down on her lap. "Thank you, Sanji, but I'm fine right now. I was hoping we could talk."

"Oh?" Sanji grinned. "I'm always happy to lend a listening ear to my dear Robin-chan!"

"Actually, I was hoping I could be the one who could fill that role," Robin said, getting to her feet so they stood facing each other, leaving her book on the lawn chair.

"Why, whatever for?" Sanji said, still managing to smile for Robin, despite feeling the heat draining from his face. It did not take a perceptive person to notice that something was going on between Sanji and Zoro, and nothing got past Robin, regardless. Sanji absolutely did not stand a chance.

Robin placed her hand against Sanji's bicep, stepping closer so she could whisper, "Why don't we go somewhere more private?"

His smile having melted off his face, Sanji nodded mutely at Robin before following her into the aquarium bar, neutral territory where they were less likely to be interrupted.

In the cool blue glow of the aquarium, Robin looked at Sanji and sent him a warm, close-eyed smile as they made their way to sit down in front of the large tank. She said nothing, waiting patiently for him to begin. Sanji remained silent as he tried to collect his rushing thoughts, a process that felt like trying to catch loose pieces of paper in the air before they scattered in the wind. He hunched his back as he rested his elbows on his thighs, staring at the floor in thought. "So..."

"Hmmm?"

"This is about Zoro, isn't it?" Sanji asked, looking up at her, opting to get right to it.

"It is if you want it to be," Robin replied, folding her hands on her lap.

Sanji swallowed, looking back down at the ground. "I wouldn't want to trouble you with my problems, Robin-chan," he said. "This is between the Mar–between Zoro and me."

"Hm, yes," Robin replied. "But you seem troubled, Sanji. We hardly see either of you these days. I can hardly recall the last time I saw you speaking with each other. And when two of the crew can't get along, it eventually becomes the entire ship's problem. The others have also noticed. We're simply concerned."

Sanji closed his eyes, focusing on his breathing. Zoro had said it was the basic idea of meditation and it helped him to center himself. _"Something even a hothead like you could do." _Sanji had proven the hothead comment right by kicking Zoro in the shin and the matter was dropped.

Might as well start giving that a try now, he reasoned. He exhaled, covering his face with his hand. "I did something stupid, Robin, on Whole Cake Island." Well, several stupid things, he wanted to say, but he couldn't bear for Robin to hear how he'd tried to drive Luffy off and had scared Nami, putting on a show for the dead-eyed psychopaths watching. "Something I don't think I can come back from."

When Robin didn't respond, Sanji opened his eyes and peeked up at her through his fingers. She smiled serenely at him, allowing him time and space. He sighed, pushing his fingers through his hair and sitting up straight. Robin's calming presence almost made him want to divulge what it was that he'd done that had landed him in his current predicament, but he also couldn't bear for Robin to learn that he'd betrayed Zoro. And that was what he'd done. He and Zoro weren't engaged to be married or something grand like that, but they'd made a promise to each other, and Sanji had betrayed that promise, betrayed that trust. And though it made his chest ache to think about it, Sanji would understand if this was all he would ever have with Zoro: a tense, unspoken agreement that they would be there on the battlefield as crewmates, but nothing else.

_"You're going to find the All Blue someday, take over the _Baratie_, and find yourself a nice woman you can pamper and spoil. You're going to get married and probably have a million children. You're going to have a good life, Sanji."_

And that was made Sanji's heart ache most of all: the idea of his future without Zoro in it, the idea that Zoro thought Sanji didn't see him in it. Perhaps things would be different if Sanji had been more forthcoming back when he and Zoro were together, perhaps if he'd been stronger on Whole Cake Island, perhaps perhaps perhaps...

"I just... I just miss him," Sanji said quietly.

"And I think he misses you, too," Robin said gently. "And I think what he needs right now is a friend."

Sanji chuckled mirthlessly. "Is that supposed to be me?"

"I think it can be, yes," Robin said, dipping her head gracefully.

"He doesn't even want to talk to me, Robin-chan."

"Perhaps not now," Robin agreed. "But there is time yet from here to the next island." She smiled enigmatically. "And it is not a large ship."

Sanji chuckled softly. "I wish I could feel as sure as you, Robin."

Robin laid her hand on top of Sanji's, conjuring a swarm of butterflies in his stomach and causing a swell of warmth to spread through him. "Whatever happens, Sanji, you two are still crewmates. And I'll be here, as will we all. There's no reason for you to carry this weight on your own."

Sanji felt a smile growing on his face. He stood up, offering her a hand to help her to her feet, pressing a soft kiss to the back of her delicate hand when she standing. "Thank you, Robin-chan. How do molten chocolate cakes sound for dessert today?"

"Delicious, my dear cook-san," Robin said, looping her arm through his as they left the cool light of the aquarium behind.

* * *

Sanji did not get as much sleep as some of the crew; from his own biological clock set from years on the _Baratie_ and from the necessity of waking up before the rest of the crew so they had breakfast waiting for them, he did not get the hours Chopper recommended he did.

This was fine.

Sanji thrived on what sleep he did get and normally didn't find himself wanting more, but that was because he generally managed to sleep uninterrupted. Lately, however, Sanji's sleep was restless; he found himself waking up periodically and using observation Haki to see if Zoro was in his bunk. He usually wasn't. And most times Sanji could fall back asleep, but sometimes he had to remind his sleep deprived mind that he couldn't just jump out of bed, march himself up to the crow's nest, and jump onto the bastard and plant an angry, needy kiss on his mouth and just make this hurt go away.

In these weaker moments he got dressed and freshened himself up, went outside for a smoke, and walked to the kitchen to get an early start on breakfast, the presence of the observation deck looming over him in the distance.

* * *

Life went on. Almost as abruptly as Zoro started taking on more watch shifts to avoid the boys' bunk, everything on the _Sunny_ returned to normal, mostly. Sanji stopped hiding out in the kitchen more than he had to, his decision slightly influenced by Robin, slightly by the fact that the extravagant meals put a strain on their stores and forced him to make up for it with creativity until they could restock. Zoro no longer kept his workouts confined to the crow's nest, moving his lighter sets back to the _Sunny's_ lawn.

Sanji watched Zoro work on his biceps, the way his arm stretched and flexed, viewing made easier by a tank top with dropped armholes that gave an excellent view of Zoro's sweat slicked torso. The only thing missing, he mused, was his and Zoro's fights. Well, it was just one of several things missing, Sanji thought, but if he had to do without Zoro plodding up to him in the mornings half-asleep to demand attention and food, and if he had to do without their late night talks up in the crow's nest, then he'd make do with this. Sentimentality wasn't all that motivated him; a small fear that sat in the back of his mind was that his senses would dull before the next fight without his daily tussles with Zoro to keep him on his toes, something he was looking to remedy.

One of the things Sanji hated most about the entire shitty situation he was in was that he still felt himself anticipating the appearance of someone who wasn't going to show up when he was in the kitchen, that he still felt the pull to sneak out of the men's quarters and up into the crow's nest to keep Zoro company through the night, curling up against him and eventually dozing against Zoro's neck when the need to sleep won out.

Zoro caught him staring and said, not missing a rep, "The hell you looking at?"

"You sweating all over the lawn," Sanji said, smirking around his cigarette, gratified that Zoro had given him an opening. It was more than he'd gotten in Wano and he would be a fool not to take advantage of it.

"Am I bothering you, shit-cook?"

"Who wouldn't be bothered?" Sanji asked, standing up from his spot on the bench encircling the mast. "You grunting and making all that noise. _Robin-chwan_ is trying to read."

"Zoro isn't bothering me, Sanji," Robin said, unhelpfully, smiling at them from behind her book.

Zoro looked like he wanted to say something suggestive about Sanji's complaint and Sanji stared him down as he approached him, all but verbally daring him, but Zoro clamped his mouth shut until he was ready to speak without betraying himself. "Why don't you just get back in the kitchen and make us some snacks, Cook?"

"Like hell I will!" Sanji said, overplaying his anger, aiming a kick at Zoro's head, who dropped his dumbbells and was already rolling for his katanas with a fluid ease that brought a satisfied grin to Sanji's face. "Shitty Marimo!"

_Yes._

Sanji and Zoro's old song and dance came to life on the lawn of the _Sunny._ Sanji was aware of the crew stopping what they were doing to watch them–he even heard Luffy laugh and say, "Hey, look! Zoro and Sanji are fighting again!"–but this information was pushed aside and filed away as background noise as he kept his eyes on Zoro while the two men dodged, weaved, and parried each other's blows. Zoro put up a good fight of masking his enjoyment at first, but as they acted, reacted, anticipated each other's moves with the intimate knowledge of how the other fought, a smile slowly broke out on Zoro's face and quickly grew into a feral grin that matched Sanji's own.

And just as quickly as the crew stopped what they were doing to watch them, they were back to their personal projects, but Sanji and Zoro continued until they tired themselves out, ending in a draw, with Zoro's katanas holding back Sanji's foot. The both of them panted as they stared each other down until they pulled back at the same time, muscles shaking. Sanji grinned at Zoro lazily as he plucked his cigarette out of his mouth. "You're getting sloppy, Marimo," he said as he turned around.

_Shink!_

Sanji laughed as he dodged Zoro's next attack, heading to the galley with his hands in his pockets.

* * *

Zoro had his request fulfilled later that afternoon. Sanji wandered up to the crow's nest with a plate of onigiri–a considerable balancing act that the bastard should appreciate. Sanji would not have attempted this small gesture back when they first returned to the _Sunny_, but he felt pretty hopeful given that this was the first time since seeing each other in Wano that Zoro had taken Sanji's bait. It had to mean _something._ And even should Zoro reject Sanji's attempt at peace making, at least Sanji could say that he was following Robin's advice–though he would be less understanding if Zoro tried to waste the food. He didn't expect Zoro to allow him to sit with him while he ate, but that onigiri was going to be eaten one way or the other.

He found Zoro sitting on the floor, meditating. Zoro popped his eye open, saying nothing as Sanji greeted him with a small, "Hey." He wasn't telling him to leave, which was promising, so Sanji came closer. He came to a stop a yard away from Zoro, hanging around awkwardly before speaking again. "I made you something to eat," he said, pulling the cover off the platter.

"You know I was just trying to piss you off, right?"

"Well, yeah," Sanji replied, setting the platter down in front of Zoro. He slipped his hands into his pockets, shifting his weight. "But you caught me in a generous mood."

Zoro grunted, grabbing an onigiri and biting into it, chewing it in silence until he looked up at Sanji and said, mouth full, "Well, go on."

"What?"

Zoro merely jerked his head at the spot next to him and continued eating.

Sanji complied, sitting down cross-legged next to Zoro. Now that Zoro had given him permission to stay, he didn't know what to do next; he hadn't planned that far. Zoro said nothing, eating his onigiri in silence while Sanji tapped a rhythm against his knee.

"Did you need something, Cook?" Zoro finally asked when he had enough of Sanji's fidgeting.

"Hm?"

Zoro raised his eyebrow while he swallowed his last mouthful, looking Sanji up and down as his way of explanation.

"Um, well, I thought that maybe I might try meditating with you?" Sanji said on the fly, but finding himself glad he'd said it. The past week or so had found him seriously considering the benefits of slowing down and focusing on his breathing, and it allowed him to do something with Zoro, something Zoro did regularly and which Sanji had never attempted to share with him when they were together.

Zoro regarded Sanji skeptically before grunting in what Sanji assumed was approval, his eye sliding closed without further prompting.

Sanji blinked. "So you just...start doing it?"

"'S the idea, Curly."

"Oh. Well." Sanji wiped his palms on his pants. "Okay."

Sanji closed his eyes and tried to focus on his breathing and clearing his mind, but he felt himself wanting to tap his fingers on his knee again and to shift his weight and he had an itch on the back of his neck and he was going to have to start on dinner soon after this and–

"Cook."

Sanji's eyes snapped open. "Yeah?"

"You're squirming."

"Oh." Sanji chuckled nervously. "Let me try again."

Sanji closed his eyes and exhaled slowly, trying to find that feeling of tranquility he desperately needed. But he could not clear his mind when Zoro was inches away from him. And it wasn't just that he craved Zoro's touch, wanted to crawl onto his lap and kiss him until he stopped thinking altogether, no meditation required; it was that this was the first time he and Zoro were alone together in the same room in weeks, just simply being. How was he supposed to calm down in this situation?

"I saw my family again on Whole Cake Island," Sanji said, the words coming out automatically as his eyes opened back up. He felt Zoro's gaze on him, but the swordsman didn't scold him for breaking the silence this time. It was what made him a good listener when he wanted to be. "Well, they're not my family. Not really. But, ah, you get the idea."

Zoro pivoted himself around so he was facing Sanji so he didn't have to look at him over his shoulder, giving him his full attention, gaze never wavering.

And Sanji couldn't look at him. He wouldn't be able to continue if he did, the feelings of shame and regret that he'd felt during his time in Wano stirring back to life within his chest. He closed his eyes. "I...never told you about my life before the _Baratie."_

"And I respected that."

Zoro knew about how Sanji had come to live and work with Zeff, for Sanji had told him while hands wandered and lips pressed kisses into flush, sweat covered skin in the quiet of night back when _Merry_ was still with them. Zoro hadn't asked, not for a lack of caring, but out of respect for Sanji, and that was why Sanji had volunteered this information. But information about his life before Zeff never felt pertinent. The Vinsmokes were not a part of who Sanji was; they certainly weren't his family. The only one named Vinsmoke that Sanji actually considered family might as well be removed from the name entirely, and she was–

_No._

But now, forced to actually try to get to the root of his self-destructive tendencies when it came to the safety of the crew, _now_ the Vinsmokes were pertinent. It had cost him his relationship with Zoro, so he owed it to Zoro, owed it to himself.

Sanji took a steadying breath. He managed to tell Zoro about Germa and Vinsmoke Judge, the man who'd sought to turn his own children into superweapons, but when he began to tell Zoro about how he'd never fit his father's vision, he started to trail off until he stopped speaking altogether, thinking about warm hands, a warmer smile on a face that so resembled his, and the gaping hole in his chest that he was now suddenly aware of.

Had that always been there?

"Cook?" A voice, barely cutting through the haze that had settled around him. _Was_ it a voice? Had someone spoken or was he just imagining it?

Sora. Vinsmoke Sora. His mother.

And she had been dead for lifetimes.

But no.

They'd just buried her yesterday and he was alone, he was alone, he was–

"Cook?"

_She's gone, he's gone, you're alone, and it's all your fault._

Sanji staggered to his feet, heading for the hatch that led out of the crow's nest.

"Cook!" Zoro said, this time more forcefully. Sanji looked at Zoro over his shoulder, and something about the look on his face must have been cause for concern because Zoro's expression crossed over from mild concern to legitimate worry. He grabbed Sanji by the shoulders and moved him so they were facing each other, anchoring Sanji to his spot, to Zoro. "Sanji. _Breathe."_

Sanji inhaled and exhaled raggedly, a pale imitation of the technique Zoro had shown him once so long ago.

"Slowly," Zoro instructed him. "I'll do it with you."

Sanji offered a small nod in response as he followed Zoro's lead, inhaling slowly through the nose, exhaling a steady stream of air through his lips. Zoro breathed with him until it no longer felt like the world was collapsing around him and Sanji, pressing his luck, wrapped his arms around Zoro's middle and pressed his head into Zoro's shoulder.

"Zoro–Zoro, I'm sorry," he mumbled into Zoro's skin. _I'm sorry I'm shit. I'm sorry about the things I can't tell you right now. I'm sorry you had to see me like this._ "I'm so sorry I wasn't better to you."

Zoro tensed against him, freezing momentarily before relaxing into Sanji's embrace. Where Sanji clung, Zoro hugged him, and in that moment it was enough. He rubbed slow circles between Sanji's shoulder blades. "You're okay, Sanji," he murmured, holding Sanji tighter, closer. "You're okay."

**End of Act Two**


	3. Part Three: To Work

**Part Three: To Work**

**Author's Note: **It's not important to the story and totally background information, but to avoid confusion, I want to make it known before the chapter starts that Usopp is in a polyamorous relationship with Luffy and Nami. Why? Because I like the ship and I can.

Also, grab a snack, take a bathroom break if you need it, and get comfortable because this is a long one.

Back to your regularly scheduled programming.

* * *

Sanji lay on the lawn, head resting on his interlocked fingers, staring up at the stars in the inky sky. Most everyone had gone to sleep, but for Usopp tinkering away in his workshop and Robin on her night watch. He didn't know what he would say to anyone who might ask him what he was doing out here when he should be in bed getting in his few hours of sleep, and he found himself not caring enough to try to come up with an excuse. He was drained after the day he'd had and looking up at something so much bigger and older than him was oddly comforting. The sky had been there longer than he had and it would be there long after he was gone.

Sanji breathed in slowly. He and Zoro hadn't spoken since that afternoon. Sanji had managed to pry himself off Zoro and the words exchanged between them were Zoro asking him if he was okay and Sanji mumbling excuses about needing to get started on dinner and hearing Luffy shouting that he was hungry. Luffy wasn't shouting, but Zoro let him leave with the tatters of his pride that he had left.

Put simply, it was humiliating that Zoro had to keep comforting him this way. That just wasn't their relationship anymore and Zoro clearly had his own troubles. And it was humiliating that he couldn't talk about his childhood, couldn't think about...certain people without having something resembling a breakdown.

His thoughts turned to Robin's assurances that he wasn't alone in this, but talking about what made him lose sleep had never been Sanji's strong suit. And who could he talk to about this, really? Zoro was the only one he could begin to fathom telling about the people he was related to by blood, and that had brought him here, stargazing alone while the minutes that could be spent sleeping ticked by. If he got anything out of this night, it should be that he was going to sleep like a rock by the next one.

Sanji continued to stare up at the sky, taking in its vastness and cold beauty, and imagined it swallowing him up, dissolving him and his problems until his essence mingled with the stars, spreading out across the universe. He closed his eyes and imagined that he could inhale the night sky, the stars filling him with a glowing, healing light that spread through his body. Lying there, breathing slowly, full of stars and cosmic dust and light, it filled him with an inner peace he hadn't known since he'd seen that wedding invitation.

"Sanji?" Usopp's soft voice cut through the stillness of the night, pulling him out of his comfortable lull.

Sanji didn't respond. Maybe if Usopp thought he was asleep, he'd go away. Give him a few more minutes and he very well could drift into unconsciousness.

He heard soft footsteps approach him until they came to a stop next to his head. Sanji slid his eyes open and lazily trained his gaze on his crewmate, looking up at Usopp's concerned face.

"Sanji," Usopp said. "Why're you out here? Shouldn't you be in bed?"

"I could ask you the same thing," Sanji replied stubbornly, looking back up at the sky, forcing Usopp's image into his peripheral vision.

"Well." A pause. "I wanted to see how you were doing."

Sanji stretched out his arms and yawned languidly, a picture of casual indifference. The idea of telling Usopp what was weighing him down like he'd wanted to with Robin briefly danced in his thoughts, but he shut that urge in a little box and put it up on a shelf in the back of his mind. Usopp didn't need to be bothered with problems that were Sanji's own doing and the idea of it made Sanji want to plunge himself into the ocean. He often told his male crewmates he didn't care what they thought of him, but he couldn't stand the thought of the ship's sniper looking at him with disgust or, worst of all, _pity._

It occurred to him that Usopp could know more than he let on. Luffy or Nami doubtlessly had told him about Sanji and Luffy's confrontation on Whole Cake. But he was still holding onto the hope that Nami hadn't told him anything regarding Pudding. Come to think of it, what all did Robin know? Nami and Robin were best friends, and didn't women tell their best friends everything? Just how much did the crew know about what was going on? The thought made his stomach turn.

Undeterred by Sanji's reticence, Usopp continued. "Then...can I sit with you?"

Sanji shrugged, gesturing at the spot next to him.

Usopp sat down and crossed his legs, back slightly hunched, palms on his knees. He said nothing, nervously looking around as if scanning for enemies.

"Don't you want to go cuddle Luffy or something?" Sanji finally asked after enough awkward silence passed between them.

"You can't cuddle Luffy in his sleep," Usopp replied, to which Sanji snorted. A peaceful sleeper, Luffy was not. Come to think of it, neither was Usopp. No wonder Nami rarely let him sleep with her in her bed.

Sanji's lips curled into a smirk, a chuckle rumbling in his throat.

"What's so funny?" Usopp asked, looking at Sanji nervously.

"I was just thinking of you trying to cuddle Luffy and getting hit in the face," Sanji responded, laughing a little louder. It wasn't that funny, but the release felt good.

Usopp snickered until he was laughing with Sanji. "Yeah, that's usually how it goes," Usopp confirmed when his laughter died down. The silence that followed was companionable. Sanji relished it. Nowadays silence between him and another person made his skin crawl, but this one felt good. He felt grateful that Usopp had approached him–not that he would tell him, of course.

"Hey, Usopp."

"Yeah, Sanji?"

"What do you do when you want to tell someone something, but you just can't? Physically? As if your body is stopping you?" Sanji said, words spilling out of him like they had the last time he'd been with Zoro. He didn't mind so much; if anyone knew the answer, it was Usopp.

Usopp pondered Sanji's question, staring at the grass in front of him. "You could try writing it down," he suggested, drumming his fingers on his knee. "And have the person read it alone if you can't read it to him–them. Them!"

"I'll consider that," Sanji said, graciously ignoring Usopp's stumble.

Usopp looked at him, worry creasing his brow and pulling his lips down in a frown. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked.

Sanji paused long enough for a couple of breaths to pass between them. "Not really."

"Then is it okay if I stay with you for a little longer?" Usopp asked gently. "Before I go to bed? It's a beautiful night."

Sanji nodded and trained his eyes back up on the sky.

Usopp said nothing more and lay down next to him, sharing the grass and the light breeze and the endless stretch of stars with Sanji.

* * *

"Cook."

Sanji's eyes shot open and took in the sight of Zoro looking down at him

He must have looked as disoriented as he felt because Zoro said "You overslept."

Sanji sat up with a start, looking around the men's quarters wildly until his sleep heavy mind registered that everyone else was still asleep. Grumbling and cursing under his breath, Sanji shot out of his bunk and quickly got dressed under Zoro's impenetrable gaze, already starting to regret last night.

When he saw Zoro still staring at him, Sanji hissed over his shoulder, "Go back to sleep, Marimo."

"But I'm awake now."

A sound that was too close to an undignified screech escaped Sanji's clenched teeth and he threw his nighttime shirt in Zoro's face before practically running for the kitchen. To his surprise, Zoro had followed him. "Get the hell out of here!" Sanji shouted freely in the privacy of the kitchen, snatching bowls out of their cabinets. Lack of sleep, frustration at his own carelessness, and the fresh humiliation of what happened yesterday had Sanji on edge. Oh, and he needed a smoke, but he didn't have that luxury at the moment.

"Are we going to talk about yesterday?"

"Oh, _now_ you want to talk!" Sanji grumbled.

"The wounded act doesn't look good on you, Cook," Zoro deadpanned.

"Fu–Can't you see I'm a little busy, marimo bastard?" Sanji asked over his shoulder as he scrubbed his hands clean in the sink.

"Then let me help."

"I'M NOT LETTING YOU TOUCH _ANYTHING_ IN MY KITCHEN!"

Zoro looked unimpressed by Sanji's outburst.

"Why–why do you want to help?" Sanji asked.

"Stop being stupid and accept the help, shit-cook."

"NO!"

"'You caught me in a generous mood,'" Zoro said, parroting Sanji's words from yesterday.

"I said no!" Sanji roared, face heating up. Anger, embarrassment, it didn't matter; it all started to feel the same after a while. "You–you keep doing this!"

"Doing what?"

"Being nice to me! Helping me!"

Zoro blinked. "We've been over this," he said plainly, infuriating Sanji further, because everything was always so cut and dry with Zoro.

"Yeah, well, it doesn't make sense," Sanji said, deflating a little as he pulled a drawer open and grabbed a whisk and spatula. "You should be angry with me."

"Don't tell me what I should or shouldn't be, curly brow," Zoro replied as he crossed the bar and came closer to Sanji. "I've already worked past that."

Sanji made an incredulous sound. "Impossible." _If you're not angry, then why are we still–_

Sanji stopped himself before he finished that thought. The hardest part about being a human was the messy emotions. One could understand something logically–see: understanding that the one you wanted most in the world wasn't with you because you proposed to someone else–but getting the heart to understand that was no small task.

Zoro shrugged as if to say "I don't know what to tell you" and Sanji would have thrown the whisk in that apathetic face of his if he didn't need it. He sighed, marching towards the refrigerator and inputting the combination on the lock before throwing the door open. "Wash your hands," he commanded before listing ingredients for Zoro to grab.

"You are not going to be doing any actual cooking. I don't need you giving me any more work when you inevitably burn everything," Sanji said firmly, earning him an eye roll from Zoro. "You're just going to help me out with prep."

"Whatever you say, Curly."

* * *

Sanji prepared breakfast in time by the skin of his teeth–and Zoro's help, loath as he was to admit it. He kept himself busy throughout the meal refilling drinks and bringing out extra helpings for those who wanted it, capping it all off with a plate of cinnamon rolls that absolutely delighted Chopper and the women. He also kept himself busy with making more coffee, keeping himself awake by tossing back enough cups to give pause to the people who were keeping an eye on him.

And he knew he was being watched, by three people, precisely: Usopp, Robin, and Zoro. Usopp tried to be surreptitious about it, but the shifty eyes and grimacing gave him away. Zoro and Robin didn't bother with being discreet; Zoro outright stared and Robin smiled enigmatically over the rim of her mug while she tracked his movements. With it being often difficult to get a read on either of them, it sometimes frightened Sanji how similar they were.

But he ignored them. He would rather die than tell Robin what to do, Nami was less forgiving of him when he yelled at Usopp and he would never willingly put himself on her bad side, and it was better to leave the Zoro problem alone. He could pick a fight with him, but with the events of yesterday fresh on his mind, Sanji was going to leave things be for the moment.

So Sanji kept everyone's plates and mugs full until everyone left satisfied. Everyone except Zoro. They stared at each other wordlessly until Zoro started grabbing plates. Sanji, though he resented to accept more help from Zoro, was never one to turn down help with the dishes, so he put aside his pride and simply said, "It goes by faster if you stack them."

Zoro made a sound acknowledging him and silence settled between them, the clatter of plates providing the only sound in the room. Perhaps it was because the coffee was starting to lose its effect and Sanji's mind was slowing down, perhaps it was because of the familiarity of doing dishes with Zoro, but much like the time he'd shared with Usopp the previous night, the silence didn't make him want to throw himself over the railing of the ship. Zoro and Sanji worked in tandem, Zoro washing, Sanji drying and putting up dishes, and for once Sanji could be next to Zoro and feel at ease.

When the dishes were done Zoro left to entertain himself and Sanji looked around at the peaceful, empty galley. He wanted to squeeze in a nap now that he had time before lunch, but his mind kept returning to Usopp's suggestion that he write down what he couldn't put into words. He wanted so desperately for Zoro to understand his state of mind back on Whole Cake, even if it couldn't erase what he'd done, and if he waited until he could talk about what had happened without shutting down, then he and Zoro would be waiting a while.

He found a small notebook he'd stashed away for future use and a pen, taking both with him to the bar. Sitting on a stool, he stared at the notebook for a long while, repeatedly picking up the pen and uncapping it before putting it back down. Seconds ticked on the clock and when Sanji looked back up he was alarmed to see fifteen minutes had gone by. He yanked the book open with a new resolve, uncapping the pen and scratching out his first sentence:

_This doesn't change what I did and I know it won't make things better, but you deserve to know._

* * *

Sanji had wanted to write his thoughts down in one sitting, but found himself needing to stop often when he felt his fight or flight response activating. It made for tedious, unproductive work, and he forced himself to stop after three pages. He felt demoralized, staring at his work and realizing how long it had taken him to write so little and knowing that it was just the beginning of what he had to say to Zoro. But that resigned look that had been on Zoro's face when he came to the conclusion that Sanji didn't want him returned to Sanji when he felt like crumpling up the pages and stopping altogether. He knew he would have to come back to his writing later, else he would stay in that spot for days to come, so he closed the notebook and hid it away.

That had been two days ago. Sanji now sat at the top of one of the staircases outside, lighting up a cigarette as he watched life proceed on the _Sunny._ Brook and Franky were improvising a song together about food, he couldn't see Robin and Nami but he knew they were attending to their gardens, Chopper was in his office, Zoro was napping, and Usopp was regaling Luffy, who had his head in Usopp's lap, with tales of Sogeking's adventures. Seeing the two like that, with the way Usopp gesticulated wildly as he narrated Sogeking's narrow escape from danger, hamming it up for Luffy, and the way Luffy looked up at Usopp adoringly, a gentle smile on his lips, made Sanji's heart clench and made him instinctively look at Zoro.

_You really don't know what you mean to me, do you?_

Sanji took a final drag of his cigarette and stood back up, heading back into the kitchen to continue writing. It was a painstaking process, even if his words flowed onto the paper in a stream of consciousness, because he kept going back over what he'd written and scratching out incoherent lines of thought. And when he wasn't turning a critical eye on his work he felt his mind shutting down, much like it did when he tried to explain himself to Zoro. How different would things currently be between him and Zoro if Sanji had managed to be more eloquent?

But he kept at it, reminding himself that it was for Zoro. With enough time, effort, and patience, Sanji was finally able to describe the early years with Judge, his rotten sons, and Reiju. The easy part was done. What lay next for him was to tell Zoro about his mother and Sanji could only hope he was up to the task.

* * *

Sanji tossed back his head, upending his tankard of ale as he finished the last of his drink. The _Sunny_ had docked at the nearest port island and now he, Nami, Robin, Franky, and Zoro were finishing the day in a tavern. Nami had roped him into carrying her shopping bags after he'd finished restocking the kitchen, then had coaxed him into drinking with her and Robin, which hadn't taken much effort on her part. Franky and Zoro had tagged along and were shooting darts with one of the tavern's patrons, a broad shouldered young man around their age with stupid blue hair who'd taken a liking to Zoro. And with the way Zoro smirked approvingly when the guy talked, his eyes traveling up and down when the man threw his dart, the feeling was mutual.

The man, whose name Sanji had forgotten as soon as he introduced himself, said something that had Franky and even Zoro laughing. Zoro, dart poised in his hand as he lined up his shot, eye half-closed as he responded, was achingly handsome in that moment and Sanji found himself trying to order another round of drinks, trying and failing not to pay attention to their repartee. Some days, he mused, were easier on him and some days played out like this one.

"Sanji-kun."

He whipped his head around to look at Nami, who was frowning at him, her cheeks red from the alcohol. "Y-yes, Nami-san?"

"Stop torturing yourself," she chided. She laid her cheek against her fist, training her gaze over his shoulder and tracking something.

"OW!" Franky yelled behind Sanji, explaining what Nami had been looking at. "This is a SUPER day!"

The cyborg hopped onto the barstool next to Robin, raising a large hand as he loudly tried to signal the barkeep, a middle aged woman who simply glared at him out of the corner of her eye for a moment before turning her attention back to the customer she was listening to.

"Try it like this, Franky," Robin instructed. "Madame Claudette, when you have a moment?"

As Franky and Robin began to chat, Sanji and Nami looked back at each other. Nami looked adorable with her face flushed red, but Sanji couldn't find it within himself to tell her, tensing as he heard Wave Head–which was what he was now calling the guy Zoro was hanging out with, because his hair was various shades of blue and shaped like a wave and it was _stupid_–laugh in a relaxed way that _totally_ didn't sound like he practiced it in the mirror at home.

"Do you know how to play pool?" Wave Head asked.

"No," Zoro replied. "How about you show me?"

Sanji's grip tightened on the handle to his empty tankard, knuckles blanching. Nami frowned at his hand disapprovingly. "Sanji-kun," she said, her voice taking on a more solemn tone. "Don't you think Zoro might be trying to move on?"

Sanji gulped, sitting up straighter in his seat to make himself taller, his hand shooting into the air. "Madame Claudette!"

Madame Claudette looked over at their group, released a long suffering sigh, muttered something to the customer in front of her, and started working on the next round of drinks.

No, it hadn't occurred to him that Zoro might try to move on. Maybe it was naive of him, but Sanji truly hoped that Zoro was only taking the time to sort out his feelings. That quiet moment they had together in Wano and their small moments onboard _Sunny_ were what gave him hope, and he often returned to them at night when sleep evaded him_._ Sanji wanted to believe that, given enough time, Zoro would come to Sanji when he was ready, and if Sanji wasn't that lucky, then he hoped that Zoro would respect him enough to tell him he was moving on with his life before hopping into someone else's bed.

"I don't think that's fair, Nami," Robin interjected, coming to Sanji's rescue.

"Are you seeing what I'm seeing, Robin?" Nami asked, gesturing flippantly at the pool table Zoro and Wave Head occupied. When Sanji braved a look, he saw Zoro and Wave Head standing awfully close, Wave Head partially wrapped around Zoro as he guided Zoro's arms in drawing back the cue stick and using it to shoot the cue ball into the others. The way Zoro smirked back at Wave Head over his shoulder made Sanji's stomach turn.

Madame Claudette plunked their drinks down in front of them. Sanji immediately drank from his while Robin graciously thanked her.

Robin turned her attention back to Zoro and Wave Head and assessed the situation, lips pursed. "I think Zoro is simply having fun," she said, the straight line of her lips becoming one of those knowing smiles of hers.

"Lots of fun," Franky muttered under his breath when Zoro's laugh rang out across the tavern. Sanji made quick work of finishing his ale.

"It's just harmless flirting," Robin continued, cupping her cheek in her hand as she continued to observe Zoro and Wave Head. "Don't tell me _you've_ never enjoyed the company of an attractive stranger before, Nami."

Nami humphed and daintily sipped on her drink, unconvinced.

Sanji groaned and dropped his head onto the bar. "Could we _please_ stop discussing my love life?" _Or lack thereof._

Franky slapped Sanji on the back. "It's okay, Sanji!" he said cheerfully. "You got us here with you. Now, since it looks like you need a distraction, come play darts with me!"

Sanji didn't respond, content to stay slumped over the bar because the alcohol was making him sluggish, sitting up only when Nami elbowed him in the ribcage. "Go have fun, Sanji!" she called after him as Franky ushered him to the dartboard.

It was a mismatched game since Franky was barely one drink in and Sanji didn't have full use of his faculties. Franky boasted, posing obnoxiously, but it was enough to keep Sanji distracted. He felt himself sobering up enough to score better by the second game, to Franky's increasing dismay.

"You know, Sanji."

"Yeah?" Sanji said as he lined up his shot, glancing at Franky.

"If you're worried about Zoro, just talk to him."

Sanji missed his shot wildly, the dart flying into the corkboard the dartboard was mounted on. He grimaced, rubbing at his neck as he looked over at Zoro, who was leaning on his pool stick and grinning at Wave Head, who was teasingly accusing Zoro of hustling him. He sounded impressed for a man who'd just lost money, but maybe he was just trying to get lucky.

"It's not that I'm not trying," Sanji said. "It's just...difficult."

"But have you told him how you feel?"

"Yeah," Sanji replied simply. "Not very well, but yeah. He didn't believe me, not that I can blame him. But I'm working on something. I hope it'll be enough."

Franky nodded, throwing his dart. Nearly half of the crew had spoken to him about Zoro at this point, all of them with some type of advice. Had they given Zoro the same treatment, or was Sanji just special because he was clearly the one in greater need?

He and Franky played for a couple more games before they were ready to return to their seats next to Nami and Robin.

"Have fun, boys?" Robin asked, smiling warmly at them.

Franky shouted in response and Sanji found himself nodding, a small smile on his lips until his ears perked up when he heard Zoro's voice.

"Well, I think I'm gonna turn in."

"Why stop the fun now?" Wave Head's voice. Sanji immediately turned his head to stare at both men. "Y'wanna come back to my place for a nightcap?"

Zoro caught Sanji staring at him, then looked back at Wave Head, the relaxed expression on his face gone as he swallowed. Sanji held his breath until Zoro responded. "Thanks, but no. I'm gonna head out now."

Disappointment flickered across Wave Head's features, but he nodded graciously. "It's been fun, Zoro. Look me up next time you're around."

"Yeah," Zoro said, passing him his cue stick, catching Sanji's eye one last time. "Sure."

Zoro headed for the exit and Sanji watched him dumbly until multiple sets of hands poked and prodded him until he dropped a fistful of coins onto the bar to cover his drinks. Sanji hurriedly got out of his seat, Robin's Fleurs giving him that extra push that sent him into a small run until he caught up with Zoro. Zoro looked at him when he heard him approaching. "Headed to the ship, too, Cook?" he asked as they pushed past the swinging doors.

"Well, I can't let you get yourself lost in the dark," Sanji said, sounding more nonchalant than he felt. "It's not a large island, but you could get lost in a circular room, so."

"Piss off."

Sanji chuckled, fishing his packet of cigarettes out of his pocket and tapping one out. He and Zoro continued to walk in easy silence while Sanji lit up. He no longer felt discouraged now that Zoro had plainly turned down someone Sanji had to begrudgingly admit was attractive, but his heart hammered in his chest whenever he tried to bring it up. Zoro hadn't just turned down someone he was clearly attracted to, he'd looked at Sanji when he'd done it. If that wasn't a sign, then Sanji didn't know what was. He just simply had to bring it up.

Houses and streets passed by as they headed for the ship. _Sunny_ was in eyesight by the time Sanji had worked up the nerve to speak up. "So."

"Yeah?"

"That guy..."

"What about him?"

"He was good looking."

Zoro blinked. Sanji could see his shoulders tense. "Yeah," he agreed, cautiously. "Yeah, he was."

"What did he call himself?" Sanji asked. "I've been calling him Wave Head all night."

"Why would you–"

Sanji gestured to his head with his free hand. "The hair?"

"Oh. I hardly noticed."

"Yeah," Sanji replied, then took a drag of his cig. "Yeah, I guess you were noticing other things."

"Get to the point, shit-cook," Zoro growled.

Sanji came to a stop. He sighed. "Look. That guy was clearly into you and you were clearly into him, so I was wondering why..."

"Why what?"

Sanji grit his teeth. This stupid bastard was going to force him to say it, wasn't he? The asshole would pay for it later. "What I want to know is why you turned down an obvious offer of booze and sex. Two of your favorite things."

Zoro's mouth dropped open for a moment before he forced it back shut. He looked back at _Sunny._ "Why do you think?" he said through his teeth.

"I dunno," Sanji said, his turn to be difficult. "I can't wrap my head around it. So you tell me."

Zoro spun around and punched Sanji in the jaw, knocking his cigarette out of his mouth. Sanji stared at him in shock before he kicked at Zoro. Zoro blocked his blow with an arm hardened by Haki. "What the _hell_ is your _problem,_ dumbass cook?" he shouted.

Sanji lowered his leg, shoving his hands in his pockets and sighing. He glared at the ground. "You keep–you keep doing all these things. These nice, caring things that confuse the shit out of me. And you turn down this attractive man who all but _throws_ himself at you and you look at me and you–I–we..."

Zoro stared at him soberly as Sanji tried and failed to articulate what it was he was feeling.

"I just–I goddamn _miss_ you, all right?" Sanji said, all signs of composure gone. "I miss seeing your green head in the kitchen before breakfast, I miss you sneaking up behind me and grabbing me when I'm cooking, I miss keeping you company on your night watch, I... I miss getting to touch you."

Sanji covered his eyes with his hand, inhaling sharply as he felt a small pressure in the back of his eyes and nose. He kept quiet until he could trust himself to speak again without crying. "I miss you and you do these nice things to me and I can't have you. That's the hardest part about all this. I can't have you and you do things that make me think I actually have a chance to make it up to you and then you pull away and _still_ I can't have you. Are–are you trying to _punish_ me? I know I deserve it, but, _shit,_ Zoro."

"Cook."

Sanji's breath quivered.

"Cook." Footsteps.

Sanji took his hand from his face and took a step back. "N-no. No. Don't touch me."

"Okay." Zoro let his hand fall back to his side.

They stood there in silence, Sanji debating whether he should light another cigarette to replace the one Zoro had knocked out of his mouth.

"I'm not trying to send you mixed signals, Sanji," Zoro finally said. "You think this is easy on me? I don't like seeing you like this."

Sanji chuckled bitterly, at himself, at the situation. "Yeah. I'm a mess, aren't I?" Poor, helpless Sanji. It infuriated him to know that was what everyone else saw. He really needed to get his shit together.

"I want you, too," Zoro continued. "I'm just. Not all there yet."

Sanji exhaled slowly, nodding to himself as he came to a decision. It wasn't ready and it wasn't everything that Zoro needed to hear, but it was time to break out the notebook; he couldn't afford to wait any longer. There could be so many more Wave Heads from here to Laugh Tale. "I have something to show you," he said, looking up into Zoro's eye. "It's not completed yet, but I don't know how much longer until it is, and I can't wait anymore."

"Okay," Zoro said. "What is it?"

Sanji rocked on his heels, staring at _Sunny._ "It's on the ship. Just...follow me."

Zoro followed him the rest of the way to the ship and into the galley. Sanji flipped the light on while Zoro entered behind him. He fished the notebook out of his hiding spot and tossed it onto the bar, sighing as he started digging around in the cupboards until he found a well-hidden, expensive bottle of sake. He held it up to the light to catch Zoro's attention, but Zoro was already opening the book and scanning the first page.

"What is this?" Zoro asked, looking up at Sanji and ignoring the bottle of alcohol.

"It's me trying to explain myself," Sanji said, placing the bottle down on the bar. He grabbed two cups, but Zoro was already opening the bottle and drinking from it. A tired smile curled Sanji's lips. "That bottle was going to be for your birthday, but..." He sighed and put one of the cups back up while Zoro sat down and started reading. Sanji hadn't yet reached the part in his writing where he lost his mother, admittedly putting off writing about her and what happened after her death, but this would have to do for now. He brought his own cup with him, opting to use it for an ashtray, and sat down next to Zoro.

He took his own swig from the sake bottle while Zoro read on, the same intensity on his face that he saw on Nami when she was working on one of her maps. "This is...the beginning of what I was trying to tell you a while back," Sanji explained, flicking on his lighter. "And I have so much more left to tell you."

Zoro looked away from the notebook so he could look into Sanji's eyes. "Cook, you didn't have to."

Sanji inhaled deeply, holding the smoke in his lungs and closing his eyes. He exhaled slowly, tilting his head back. "But I want to. It's the least I can do."

Zoro swiped the bottle and took a long drink. He set it down with a loud _thunk._ He glanced back at the book. "Shit."

Sanji tiredly slid his hand across his face, smiling wryly. He chuckled, feeling warm from the alcohol, cupping his cheek in his hand. "Right?" He tossed back a drink.

They passed the bottle back and forth while Zoro read Sanji's writing. The alcohol loosened Sanji up and made him feel lethargic. He crossed his arms on the bartop and slumped over, resting his chin on his arms and looking up at Zoro under his eyelashes. "If it doesn't make sense, I can't help you with that right now," he said, words starting to slur and his speech slowing.

Zoro, cheeks dusted with red, glanced down at Sanji and snickered. "Lightweight," he murmured, looking back down and turning the page. "S'fine."

"Mm." Sanji played with his cup-turned-ashtray, rolling the bottom ring along the bartop. He wanted to ask Zoro questions, but didn't have the presence of mind to ask anything more complex than, "So, whaddya think?"

"Let me finish."

Sanji huffed, laying his cheek against his arm. "You're the slowest reader ever," he grumbled.

"You've crossed so much out and added so much stuff in, it's hard to keep up, dumbass," Zoro retorted.

"Ah... Sorry 'bout that. Was going to clean it up when I was done, but..." He let the rest of his sentence hang in the air.

"But what?"

Sanji buried his face in his arms. "I don't want to lose you, Zozo," he said into his sleeves, his voice muffled.

"Zozo?" Zoro said incredulously.

"Shuddup. I'm trying to be honest with you, Marimo."

"Cook."

"Mmmm."

"Look at me."

Sanji slowly turned his head so his eye was peeking out at Zoro.

"Means a lot to me, you doing this," Zoro said. As he stared at Sanji, a look of realization spread across his face, reminding Sanji of the expression he wore when their relationship ended. "I know it can't be easy for you."

Sanji laughed humorlessly. "It's not."

"Well. Thanks."

"Yer welcome."

Zoro gently closed the book, sliding it towards Sanji. "I get the idea. You can show me the rest when you're ready."

Sanji nodded, the fabric of his coat brushing against his cheek. "Okay. I'll do that."

"And I think it's time you got in bed," Zoro said, dropping to his feet.

Sanji sat up slowly.

"Need any help?"

"No. No more help," Sanji said, sliding out of the barstool and onto his feet. The room spun around him until he got his bearings.

Zoro stared at him for a moment. "You know, Cook, you spend all this time taking care of the rest of us. It wouldn't kill you to let someone else take care of you for once."

Sanji shook his head emphatically, taking up the notebook and stashing it away. _"Good night,_ Zoro," he said firmly.

Zoro picked up the bottle of sake and headed for the door. "Night, Cook."

Sanji stared at the empty space Zoro had occupied for a good minute before walking for the exit. He sighed, flipped the light off, and headed for the men's quarters to gather what he needed for a shower before bed, taking one last look at the stars when he stepped outside.

* * *

Sanji had always loved the idea of a grand gesture. How romantic, he'd think to himself in his most private of thoughts back on the _Baratie,_ to show someone you loved them in the biggest way possible. He'd fantasized about finding someone special when he was younger–usually a woman because he didn't understand certain things about himself until after he hit puberty–and sweep them off their feet, his love proven pure and true.

But life wasn't made of grand gestures; it was made up of little gestures that occurred in the mundane. Like bringing Robin a cup of tea on cold evenings, listening to Usopp work out a problem because bouncing his ideas off someone else helped, watching over Zoro while he napped. Life was full of little gestures that were taken for granted because they weren't as dramatic as chasing someone to the train station and confessing your undying love to them. It was the little gestures that kept life going.

And maybe if Sanji had realized that earlier, he wouldn't have to rely on a grand gesture to win back Zoro's trust. And how did one perform a grand gesture for someone like Roronoa Zoro, a man seemingly immune to them and most romance in general? He couldn't throw himself into danger meant for Zoro–Sanji had tried that on _Thriller Bark_ and Zoro had only chewed him out for it the next time they spoke. It turned out that a grand gesture for Zoro was the hardest one of all, one that required thought and effort on Sanji's part. It was easy to chase someone; it was something else entirely to examine his own psyche and offer himself up in a show of vulnerability and trust. Through this Sanji was forcing open his chest cavity, pulling out his heart, beaten and battered as it was, and holding it up to Zoro to accept or reject.

_Here. It's yours. It always has been. I hope it's enough._

* * *

The ship was anchored next to a shallow reef per Luffy's orders. Luffy, Usopp, and Chopper were currently fishing over the side of the ship and Sanji was staring into the crystalline waters, a blue so crisp and inviting that he wanted to jump in and see the schools of fish swimming below the surface. Caught by this whim, Sanji kicked off his shoes and began to loosen his necktie. Usopp glanced over at him and caught him undressing.

"Uh, Sanji?" Usopp asked. "What are you doing?"

Sanji stripped down to his underwear and left his clothes in a pile at his feet. He stood on the railing, staring down at the clear blue below him, then looked at his crewmates and grinned at them briefly before leaping into the water. When he broke the surface and started treading water, he found more of the crew staring at him, but it was Zoro who caught his attention.

"Hey, no fair!" Luffy whined, undoubtedly pouting as he complained about how he wished he could swim like Sanji.

"Don't worry, Luffy!" Franky shouted, running out of Sanji's line of sight. "I've been working on a SUPER flotation device for all you Devil Fruit users!"

Zoro stared at Sanji for a few more moments before he followed Sanji's lead, pulling off his shirt. Usopp followed suit. "Sorry, Luffy!" he apologized to his boyfriend as he started slipping off the straps on his overalls.

Sanji laughed and floated onto his back, staring up at the sky as he let the waves gently rock him, feeling the same kind of peace he had when he'd stared up at the stars a couple weeks ago. He heard two splashes and when he lifted his head he saw Usopp and Zoro swimming towards him. Usopp laughed and plunged underwater, darting towards the reef and performing an underwater flip before kicking against the coral and shooting to the surface and performing a back stroke towards Sanji and Zoro. Sanji began treading water again and grinned at Zoro, who grinned back.

Nami appeared at the railing of the ship, having changed into a bikini, and stuck her tongue out at Luffy, who was still waiting on Franky. Nami stood on the railing and said, "Wait for me, Usopp," before diving gracefully into the ocean. She emerged from the water, pushing her red hair out of her face, then swam to Usopp's side and laid a kiss on the corner of his laughing mouth. And in that moment, surrounded by his friends, Zoro smiling at him, Sanji could watch Usopp and Nami's affection and not feel a dull ache in his chest. He simply enjoyed his time with his crewmates and felt overjoyed to share this moment with them.

Franky emerged, four pool floats looped on his arms. "YOW! Who wants to go swimming?"

"Franky, those look like regular swimming floats," Robin said, amusement in her voice.

"With motors!"

Luffy needed no further convincing, snatching a ring off Franky's arm, stripping off his shirt and flip flops, and fitting the ring onto himself before jumping into the ocean with a joyful "YAHOOOO!"

Chopper and Franky joined next, with Brook and Robin choosing to stay on the ship and sip tea while watching the rest of them have their fun. Sanji saw Zoro saying something to Luffy and took the opportunity to splash a large wave in his face. Spluttering, Zoro turned his gaze on Sanji, a fire in his eye as he returned the favor, grinning wildly. Laughing boisterously, Sanji engaged Zoro in a small splash war, his heart soaring to see Zoro smiling at him again.

* * *

Eventually it got easier to write, but not as easy as he wanted it to be. It didn't take him fifteen minutes to steel his nerves like it had that first day Sanji had started writing for Zoro, and that was progress that actually made him proud of himself. But Sanji still found himself taking breaks, working on breathing exercises like Zoro had taught him. In these moments Sanji closed his eyes and pictured the night sky spreading that healing light throughout his body; he imagined himself floating on his back in the ocean, gently rocked by the waves. When he needed that extra push to get just a little bit more writing done before bed, he pictured Zoro taking Wave Head up on his offer; when he _didn't_ want a spike in his blood pressure, however, he returned to the night he first showed Zoro the notebook, the way Zoro looked at him as he realized the gravity of what Sanji was doing for him.

It required so much of Sanji to sit down and revisit the past. He'd wanted to compartmentalize when he left Whole Cake, shove the new memories in with the old memories and leave them to rot. They couldn't hurt him if he didn't think about them. But he wanted Zoro more and refusing to think about his past was what lost him in the first place.

Writing about his mother and her illness forced him back into the role he'd played as a young boy: a scared, helpless child, powerless to do anything as his loved one was taken from him. Sanji hadn't been thinking about her when he'd tried to take Zoro's place on _Thriller Bark_ or when he'd agreed to be taken to Whole Cake, but all of this introspection gave him a new perspective. Sanji wasn't a helpless child anymore; he was cook to the future Pirate King, one of the strongest fighters on the _Thousand Sunny_, future captain of the _Baratie._ If he could lay down his life for his crewmates, then why wouldn't he?

But the Straw Hat Pirates were a crew, a team that worked together and helped each other, and Sanji needed to learn that he was just as much of a part of that crew as the rest of them, and relying on the others wasn't weakness. Even though he refused to talk, his crewmates were helping him, whether by offering advice or simply being there when he needed the company most.

He wasn't alone in the world anymore. Even if Zoro never could forgive him for what he'd done, Sanji no longer was that lonely little boy left to rot in a prison cell.

* * *

One day he grew tired of shutting himself up in the galley, writing until his hand grew tired, focusing on his breathing by himself. So he wandered off to find Zoro, who was up in the crow's nest, meditating.

Zoro stared at him when Sanji came through the hatch. Sanji stared back, slipping his hands into his pockets. He stared at the floor, shifted his weight from one foot to the other. "Can we...?" he said softly. He looked up into Zoro's eye. "Can we try meditating together again?"

Zoro nodded, eye slipping back closed, exhaling slowly.

Staring at Zoro, watching him sit there and looking so peaceful, Sanji's heart swelled with emotion. Swallowing the lump in his throat, Sanji quietly crossed over to sit next to Zoro. Laying his palms on his knees, Sanji got one last look at Zoro and found himself wanting to lean over and lay a kiss on his lips. Releasing an exhale that sounded more like a sigh, Sanji turned his head forward and closed his eyes, resolving to finish his writing soon and to bring the final product for Zoro to read.

* * *

Sanji waited until Zoro had the night watch to bring his completed writing, edited and polished for a coherent, concise read. He quietly pushed the book into Zoro's hands, forcing himself to look Zoro in the eye. "I'll just leave this with you," he said. He put his hands in his pockets and headed for the exit. "I'm gonna go shower now."

"Cook."

Sanji stopped and looked over his shoulder, certain that Zoro could hear his heart pounding from across the room. "Yeah?"

"Thank you," Zoro said, his voice as soft as his features.

Sanji looked down at the floor, nodding, his face and his ears and his neck burning. "Yeah..."

Hands trembling with adrenaline and nerves, Sanji left the crow's nest and headed for the men's quarters to grab what he needed for his shower. Usopp had been right about leaving Zoro to read by himself; without alcohol to keep him calm or the immediate threat of Zoro going home with someone, Sanji couldn't bear to be in the same room as him as he read about Sanji's childhood and his version of events on Whole Cake Island. And given how much he'd written, Sanji might end up tearing up the crow's nest before Zoro was even halfway through with reading.

There was no going back now, Sanji realized as he undressed. Zoro would finally understand what an embarrassment he'd been before toughening up when he'd met Zeff and he would see how he'd rolled over on Whole Cake. How could Zoro understand? Zoro, who was lifting boulders before he hit puberty. Zoro, who was willing to cut off a limb or two without complaint when he felt that the situation called for it. Zoro had lost an eye training under Mihawk and treated it with as much seriousness as he did when losing an article of clothing. _Oh well._

"They're just hands, dumbass," he could hear Zoro telling him when discussing how Big Mom and Vinsmoke had kept him on a leash with those cuffs on his wrists.

Sanji slumped against the bathroom wall as he stood under the running showerhead, forehead and arms resting against the cool wall while the water ran in rivulets down his back. Surely Zoro would look at him differently after he finished reading. Zoro would have reacted differently in Sanji's situation and would doubtlessly judge him accordingly. Hell, Zoro wouldn't have gone with Bege in the first place. He'd find a way to fight out of the situation and take Nami, Brook, and Chopper with him.

But Sanji could deal with the judgment if reading Sanji's notebook got Zoro to understand, to forgive him. It wouldn't take back what Sanji did, and for that he would always be sorry, but Sanji could deal with it all if this made them stronger together.

What Sanji needed to say to Zoro most of all wasn't written down in the notebook. That he would save for the next time he and Zoro spoke, whether it was tonight or tomorrow or three days from now. He didn't know how long Zoro would need to digest what he was reading, but Sanji would wait until Zoro was ready. He would look the man he loved in the eye when he told him what he should have long before Wano.

* * *

Sanji lay awake in his bunk long after he'd showered, relaxed in the bath, and turned in for the night. A chorus of men's snoring and mumbling and shifting sleep positions kept him company as he stared straight up into the darkness, eyes wide open. He couldn't sleep not knowing Zoro's reaction, but going to find Zoro before he finished wouldn't help him sleep any better, so Sanji groaned and rolled onto his side, grabbing a fistful of his sheets and pulling them up over his head, curling into a tight ball.

He stayed curled like that even as he sensed a familiar presence enter the room, heavy boots treading across the floorboards to his bunk. A hand laid itself upon his shoulder. "Cook."

Squeezing his eyes shut, Sanji sighed and unfurled his limbs, pulling the blanket off his head but staring at the wooden side of his bunk.

"Cook," Zoro said again. "Sanji. Look at me."

Sanji turned his head and saw Zoro's solid frame before him. Zoro's expression was unreadable as he started pulling at Sanji's blankets and said, "Upstairs. Now."

Swallowing, Sanji watched as Zoro turned and left the men's quarters, and he sighed and exited his bunk and followed Zoro up to the crow's nest.

They stood in the darkness, staring at each other. Sanji's heart rate picked up, hands slightly trembling as Zoro stared him down. If Zoro was going to tell him it was truly over, he was prepared. Well, not entirely prepared, as he'd put his heart on the line, but he was aware that this was how things could turn out.

Zoro closed the distance between them, grabbing at Sanji's shirt and almost violently pulling him towards him, their lips crashing together. Zoro brought a hand to the back of Sanji's neck, holding him close, and Sanji was too shocked to move, never mind respond in kind.

Zoro pulled away, hands still on Sanji. "I thought this was what you wanted, Cook."

"I–I do," Sanji muttered dumbly. "I just thought you'd want to talk more before–"

"Just shut up and kiss me, idiot cook," Zoro interrupted, voice low in his throat. "We can talk about it later."

And Sanji did. His hands went to Zoro's face, running his fingers through Zoro's short cropped hair, one hand cupping Zoro's cheek. He poured the weeks of longing and desperation he'd felt into this kiss, hooking one leg around Zoro. When the idiot didn't take the hint, Sanji, pulling away and panting, hissed in Zoro's ear, "Lift me up already, you bastard."

Zoro was only too happy to oblige, hoisting Sanji up as requested. Sanji saw Zoro grin in the dark as he carried him over to the nearby benches. Sanji's lips found Zoro's again when they were settled. Mouths connected, hands wandered, shirts were impatiently pulled off and tossed aside. Skin flushed as their bare chests pressed against each other, heaving as they breathed in time with one another.

Zoro's lips slowly moved their way to Sanji's neck. Sanji craned his neck while Zoro alternated between kissing and lightly sucking on his throat. His jaw went slack as a small groan made its way past his lips. Bliss, Sanji thought as he grinned up at the ceiling.

"Mm, Zoro," Sanji panted, rolling his hips against Zoro impatiently while Zoro continued his ministrations on the sensitive skin on his neck, one arm wrapped around Sanji's waist, toying with the waistband on Sanji's pajama pants with his free hand. The way Zoro could pull these little sounds out of Sanji was oh so desperately missed during their time apart.

Needing more, always needing more, Sanji ground his pelvis against Zoro, repeating a variation of "I missed you, god, I missed you so much," until Zoro growled against Sanji's skin, sound rumbling against his throat. "Oi. Less talk, more show," he instructed before biting down on the curve of Sanji's neck.

Sanji grinned wryly, chuckling deeply in his throat. "Gladly," he replied, his fingers in that familiar green hair grabbing hold and moving Zoro's head so he had access to his mouth again. Sanji kissed Zoro, hoping Zoro could sense the message Sanji felt with every heartbeat: _I missed you, I missed you, I missed you._


	4. Part Four: To Live

**Part Four: To Live**

Sanji slumped against Zoro, curling his arms around Zoro's middle. He pressed his face into the hot flesh of Zoro's neck, smiling against his brown skin. Panting beneath him, Zoro released his iron grip on Sanji's hips and returned his embrace, sighing contentedly. Sanji's smile widened, threatening to split his face as he allowed himself to be present in the moment, here in Zoro's lap, in his arms. A hand traveled up to Zoro's head head, fingers tangling in his deceptively soft hair as Sanji pressed a lazy kiss onto Zoro's neck; Zoro, meanwhile, gently stroked Sanji's back between his shoulder blades.

Humming softly, his breathing returning to normal, Sanji slowly lifted his head and laid it against Zoro's, opening his eyes and staring into the dark of the crow's nest. He'd have to leave Zoro's embrace soon so he could get in his few hours of sleep while Zoro kept watch over the ship, but not yet. Not now. Sanji wanted to enjoy this moment for a little while longer.

Zoro, clearly thinking the same thing, shifted slightly under Sanji, his hands sliding down to Sanji's waist. "Cook," he said gently.

"Mmmm..." Sanji made no effort of moving.

"Cook, let me get up so I can get out the bed."

Sanji sat up and laid a soft kiss against the corner of Zoro's mouth. He smiled and Zoro smiled back, brushing the curtain of Sanji's hair out of his face so he could get a good look at him. "Okay," Sanji said. "Just give me a moment."

Sanji rolled off Zoro's lap and onto the bench, scanning the floor for his pants. He pulled them on while Zoro opened one of the storage compartments and pulled out a futon, bedsheets, and two pillows. Sanji smiled tiredly at Zoro. "You gonna lie down with me, Marimo?" he asked, nodding at the second pillow.

"Until you fall asleep, yeah," Zoro replied, smoothing the sheets out.

Sanji's heart swelled with affection and he approached the side of the bed he normally chose when the two of them camped out up here for privacy. "What if I don't want to go to sleep?" he asked as he got situated. "What if I wanna talk?"

Zoro hovered over him, gazing down at him in the dark. Sanji reached up and lightly stroked Zoro's forearm. "You and I both know you haven't been getting enough sleep," Zoro replied, voice soft with warmth and amusement. He leaned down and kissed Sanji: short, chaste, and sweet.

"There's still more I have to tell you, Zoro," Sanji said as Zoro got under the covers and settled in on his side.

"You mean _that_ wasn't all of it?"

"No," Sanji replied, reaching over and placing his hand on Zoro's shoulder, the pad of his thumb stroking the warm skin underneath it. "This is something I can tell you in person. Something I should have told you a long time ago."

"I think you've told me more than you realize, Cook," Zoro said softly. "Going to all that trouble. I know it wasn't easy on you."

"It's because you're worth it, Zoro," Sanji said without hesitation. "And I'd do it all over again."

Zoro gathered Sanji into his arms, pulling him closer. Sanji closed his eyes and nestled closer until his head was on Zoro's chest, tucked under Zoro's chin. He lay there, listening to Zoro's peaceful breathing, Zoro's heartbeat lulling him into a peaceful state close to sleep. All he needed to do was simply let go and drift away, safe and warm in Zoro's arms.

But...

Sanji forced his eyes open. "We...really should," he said slowly, his mind trying to find the right words through the fog of sleep that had settled around him. "You need to hear–"

Zoro gently shushed him, softly petting the hair on the back of Sanji's head. "You can tell me in the morning," he murmured. "Okay?"

Sanji smiled against Zoro's chest as sleep settled over him like a heavy blanket. "Okay. Good night, Zoro. I love you."

"Love you. too, Sanji. Get some rest."

* * *

Sanji woke up from the best sleep he'd had in weeks, gaze falling on Zoro, who was still keeping watch.

"Hey," Sanji said softly, stirring as he slowly rolled onto his side.

Zoro looked over at him and approached the futon, lying down on top of the covers. He propped himself up on his elbow, smirking down at Sanji. "Sleep well, Cook?"

"Best sleep I've had in a while," Sanji said, sitting himself up and laying a small kiss on Zoro's lips.

Zoro chuckled. "You're welcome," he said smugly, absolutely pleased with himself.

Snorting and rolling his eyes, Sanji put his hand in Zoro's face and lightly shoved him. Zoro grinned and fell onto his back, staring up at the ceiling in wonder.

"What's on your mind, Marimo?" Sanji asked, taking in the uncharacteristically soft expression on Zoro's face. And it was all for him.

"Nothing," Zoro said. "I'm just...happy."

Sanji felt a gentle smile curling his lips. He ran his fingers through Zoro's green hair, almost overwhelmed with the warmth and affection surging through him. God, did he love this man. And he needed him to know just how much he did. "So..." he said softly. "You said we'd talk in the morning."

"I did." Zoro propped himself back up. "And we will. But I know you're going to get a start on breakfast soon."

"Mm, true," Sanji agreed. "But there's still time. Why don't you come shower with me?" Sanji had showered last night, but he wanted to start the day feeling fresh–and it was a good excuse to spend a little more time with Zoro.

"I wouldn't say no to that," Zoro said playfully as Sanji got up out of bed and stretched.

They put up the futon and headed back down to the men's quarters, trying to move silently in the pre-dawn light while the rest of their crewmates slept on. Sanji caught movement in the corner of his eye and saw Usopp sitting up in his bunk, squinting at him and Zoro. Sanji sent him a small smile and wave. Usopp blinked twice before flopping back down onto his back, snoring as soon as his head hit the pillow.

Sanji smiled to himself as he and Zoro grabbed what they needed from their lockers and headed for the bathroom. He was definitely going to have to thank Usopp later. He and Robin had helped save his relationship with Zoro, and that was something for which he'd always be grateful.

Sanji watched as Zoro stepped under the water. Zoro tilted his head back and closed his eyes, running his fingers through his hair as he enjoyed the sensation. Watching the water wash over Zoro, the way he held his hands on his head, muscles taut, Sanji felt that he might be overcome with pure, raw emotion as he fully realized that he was granted the privilege to quiet mornings like this again. Trying to swallow the lump in his throat, Sanji stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Zoro, resting his head against Zoro's shoulder while the water washed over them both.

Zoro looped an arm around Sanji's waist. "You're extra cuddly today, aren't you?" he whispered in Sanji's ear.

"Maybe," Sanji conceded, thinking back to all of the times he'd wanted to crawl all over Zoro and couldn't when they were separated. "Let's just say I'm making up for lost time."

"Well, I'm not complaining."

Sanji smiled and softly nuzzled Zoro's shoulder. Soon they would have to leave the warmth and privacy of the shower so Sanji could truly start another day on _Sunny,_ and he found himself wishing for the first time that he had an assistant who could step up for him on those rare days where Sanji wanted to skip breakfast. Filing away that idea, Sanji pressed a kiss against Zoro's cheek before moving to grab the soap. "Here," he said. "Let me wash your back."

* * *

He approached the day with something close to euphoria, smiling like the lovestruck fool he was as he dressed himself. He'd noticed the marks on his neck in the mirror when he inspected his appearance, but instead of grabbing concealer to cover them up like he normally would, Sanji merely brushed his fingers against one and chuckled. "Shit, Zoro." If the crew saw them, then they saw them. Let them think what they wanted; they'd already seen him at his lowest, had pieced together that he and Zoro had broken up–they could piece together that he and Zoro had made up.

Sanji attacked breakfast with a renewed energy, one that wasn't born out of desperation to keep himself moving. He found himself continuing to smile as he prepared his crew's meal, humming as he set the table.

"Ah! Good morning, Robin-chwan!" he sang as Robin entered the galley and took a seat at the table. "The food isn't quite ready yet, but allow me to pour you a cup of coffee while we wait on everyone else."

"Thank you, Sanji." Robin smiled at Sanji warmly as he poured her coffee, her eyes closed in contentment.

Zoro came in next, sitting on the opposite side of the table, watching Sanji work as he flitted about the kitchen. The rest of the crew gradually filtered in, all in various states of consciousness. He felt their eyes pass over him, but none quite so keenly as Usopp and Robin. With Sanji's appearance and Usopp catching Sanji and Zoro several hours ago, the ship's sniper had to be fitting the pieces together. But he kept quiet, stuffing his mouth with croissants before Luffy could snatch them off his plate.

They had gotten through most of breakfast without any prying comments or questions before Sanji noticed Usopp squirming in his seat while he and Luffy discussed something. Luffy was staring at Sanji, talking with his mouth full, and Usopp appeared to be trying _desperately_ to quiet their captain.

"Yes, Luffy! Sanji and Zoro made love last night!" Usopp whispered loudly, loudly enough for everyone at the table to hear, stopping all conversations in their tracks. Eight heads turned and looked at Usopp, who was becoming increasingly uncomfortable with the attention. He gulped when he saw Sanji staring at him with a baleful gleam in his eye. Nami watched Sanji, holding her fork like a hunting knife, just waiting for an opportunity to yell at him for acting up around Usopp.

"Usopp," Sanji said, forcing his voice to remain calm and level as he stood up straight and set down the pot of coffee he'd been using to top off Robin's drink. "What did I say I would do the next time you used those words around me?"

Usopp drew his head down into his shoulders like a turtle trying to retreat into its shell, grimacing. "You–you said you would punt me into tomorrow."

"That's right," Sanji said, nodding, voice deceptively calm. Nami could yell at him if she wanted; he'd make it up to the both of them later. "That's right, I did."

"Ignore him, Usopp," Nami cut in, stabbing her omelette and scraping the tines of her fork against her plate menacingly. She brought her fork to her mouth, taking an angry bite before continuing. "Sanji-kun's just mad because that's what he secretly calls it in his head and you figured him out. Can't have anyone else know how _soft_ he is for Zoro."

Sanji stared at Nami like a slack-jawed idiot while the rest of the crew continued to stare. The silence was interrupted by the spluttering, strangled sound of someone failing to contain a laugh. Eight heads turned and stared at Zoro, who sat there with his fist held over his mouth, trying to maintain his poker face as Sanji's glare burned holes into him.

"Laugh and you die, Marimo," Sanji said coolly.

Zoro narrowed his eyes at him defiantly. "Ha," he said, forcefully. Sanji shifted his weight, tensing his leg muscles. "Ha ha ha. Ha-ha. Ha!"

Zoro's fake laughter became genuine as he continued, the kind that brought on tears and a sore stomach the longer it went on. It was good to see Zoro laugh, even if it was to piss Sanji off.

Luffy was the first to join in, pointing at Sanji. "Nami got you good, didn't she, Sanji?" his captain crowed. Sanji briefly wondered if beating up the captain counted as mutiny until Franky erupted in laughter, pointing a robotic finger at him.

One by one the rest of the crew joined in laughing at Sanji's expense. Their merriment ate away at the walls of pride until it got through to him, infecting him with mirth. He began to chuckle, closing his eyes. He tossed his head back as he began to belly laugh with the people who meant the world to him.

As the room gradually quieted down, all eyes turned to Sanji. He gave them all one last smile before opening his eyes, a murderous glint to them. He set his sights on Zoro, who was grinning at him like a madman.

Sanji launched himself at Zoro from across the table, knocking the swordsman out of his seat and the breath clear out of his lungs. As he went down, Zoro wore the smile of a man with no regrets.

* * *

"Uwaaaaah!"

"Franky," Robin said gently. "Why are you crying?"

"It's just–all is right with the world again!" Franky managed to squeeze out through trembling breaths as Sanji and Zoro wrestled on the floor, shouting and cursing at each other. "And I think that's beautiful!"

"Aaaand now they're making out," Nami said dully, sighing. "Hey! Knock it off, you two."

"Ah, just let 'em have this, Nami," Usopp chuckled nervously. "They'll tire themselves out soon enough."

"Hmmm. No."

Usopp gulped while Robin casually sipped her coffee.

"THUNDERBOLT TEMPO!"

* * *

Sanji found Zoro dozing against the railing, hands pillowing his head, katanas at his side. He opened his eye when he sensed Sanji approaching, watching him drowsily as Sanji sat down next to him. Sanji leaned against Zoro. They shared a comfortable silence while clouds drifted by and a pleasant breeze gently pushed the swing on the tree nearby.

Zoro wrapped his arm around Sanji. "So. I'm guessing you wanted to have that talk."

"Mm."

"Is it anything bad?" Zoro asked, managing to surprise Sanji by appearing slightly nervous.

"What? No," Sanji said, shaking his head. "No, it's the opposite. And I think you might already know what it is."

Zoro inclined his head, giving Sanji the time to collect his thoughts. This, however, would not take him as much time as it had before. Sanji slid one leg up so he could hang his arm over his knee. "It–it kills me to know that I could ever make you think I didn't want you in my future," Sanji began. "And I know what I did would probably still call that into question, but I spent so much time wondering that if I'd done more, things might be different."

Zoro swallowed thickly.

"And I know now that doesn't matter," Sanji continued. "What happened, happened. And stressing over the past won't change anything. But still...you need to hear it."

"Cook..."

"I never told you this because I was afraid it might scare you off, but that's just an excuse, isn't it?" Sanji mused. "But I reached a point early on where I could see you in my future. You're an integral part of it, Zoro."

Zoro blinked, saying nothing. Sanji could see the wheels in Zoro's head working in overdrive as he processed everything Sanji was saying. Zoro swallowed again. "I kind of got the idea when I saw you were writing all that down for me, but..." He shook his head. "Actually hearing it..."

Sanji smiled gently at Zoro. For all of his stoicism and practicality, even Zoro needed to hear that he was wanted every once in a while. And he was cute when he looked surprised like this; it made him look younger and so much less intimidating. "Why didn't you ask me if I had you in my plans?" Sanji whispered. Yes, what he'd done on Whole Cake Island had been damning, but Zoro had made his decision without even asking Sanji for his side. It didn't hurt to think about now, however; Sanji simply wanted to know.

"You proposing to Pudding said enough," Zoro responded. He looked down at the grass and sighed. "I just didn't...see myself fitting into your plans and I figured it would be better to shut things down than to just draw things out until it was time for all of us to go our separate ways. So we wouldn't waste each other's time."

"That's what I respect about you, you know," Sanji said gently. "You do what you feel needs to be done."

Zoro looked back up at Sanji, giving him a small squeeze.

"Even if that resolve was a real pain in my ass for a while there," Sanji chuckled. "But I understand."

Sanji looked across the lawn, sliding his leg back down so his hand was free for him to place it over Zoro's. He inhaled and exhaled slowly before looking back at him. "I'm sorry for what I did. God, I'll probably spend the rest of my life being sorry. And I can't take it back. But I want to spend the rest of our lives making it up to you, showing you how much I want you by my side. There's room for you on the _Baratie_, you know. I want you to have someplace you can return to." He squeezed Zoro's hand gently, a small smile curling his lips. "Some_one_ you can return to."

Zoro stared at Sanji for a good long while, and Sanji waited patiently for his response. And instead of opening his mouth to speak, Zoro leaned in close, pausing when he and Sanji were almost touching. Sanji looked into Zoro's eye, his heart rate picking up. Sanji smiled and Zoro smiled back, grinning as he moved his mouth closer to Sanji's. The kiss was short and chaste and only slightly clumsy as Sanji found himself laughing, with Zoro joining him.

Zoro pulled away just enough so he could speak. "Say it again, would you?"

Sanji's grin grew. "Zoro–Roronoa Zoro, the future World's Greatest Swordsman, I want _you_ in my future."

Zoro laughed softly and it was beautiful, something Sanji didn't get to hear that often in a world that required so much out of someone so young. Sanji laid his forehead against Zoro's, laying his hand against the back of Zoro's head, eyes sliding closed. They breathed together for a few beats, relishing the moment, before pulling apart.

Sanji laughed in disbelief of how the last twenty-four hours had turned out, marveling that he could be so fortunate. "Remind me to thank Usopp later."

"Why?" Zoro asked, sitting back against the railing.

Sanji curled against Zoro's side. "He's the one who told me I should try writing down my thoughts."

"Really?"

"Yeah," Sanji said, wrapping his arm around Zoro's waist. "I don't know what I would have done without his advice. It probably would have been too late if I were left to my own devices."

"I wouldn't say that."

Sanji glanced at Zoro. "No?"

Zoro leaned his head against Sanji's. "I knew you were trying to tell me something important back when you first tried meditating with me. It had me rethinking a few things."

Sanji took the information in. He chuckled softly. "And to think I spent all this time afraid you were going to hook up with some guy with stupid hair."

"That guy has a name, y'know," Zoro laughed.

"Yeah?" Sanji said, pushing his shoulder against Zoro. "What is it?"

Zoro paused, glancing to the side.

"You don't even remember, do you?" Sanji asked.

"No," Zoro admitted quietly.

Sanji laughed. "Tell me: were you trying to make me jealous that night?"

"No," Zoro said. "Just wanted some no-strings-attached fun. I was going stir-crazy by the time we got to that island."

"Ah. So Robin was right."

"When isn't she?"

"Ha. True."

They settled into another comfortable silence, watching the clouds pass by, the minutes slowly melting into each other. Luffy, Usopp, Chopper, and Franky had begun kicking around a ball when Zoro sat up and stretched. "I'm going to take a nap," he announced, placing his head in Sanji's lap. "Wake me when it's time for you to start on lunch."

Sanji chuckled as he gazed down at Zoro, running his fingers through Zoro's hair. "Seriously?"

Zoro grinned, eyes closed. "Accept your fate, love cook."

Sanji watched as Zoro slipped into sleep, adoration coursing through him. He leaned down and planted a kiss on Zoro's forehead. "I love you, idiot marimo," he whispered.

And as if he could hear him, Zoro smiled in his sleep.

* * *

Sanji's first instinct to show Usopp his appreciation was to make him one of his favorite dishes, but with all that his advice had done for him, it simply didn't feel like enough. So when they landed at the next island, Sanji immediately went in search for inspiration after he bought supplies for the kitchen. He started putting together a basket of things he'd give Usopp when he brought him his private meal, and as the day wore on he realized that he was purchasing items for Usopp's gift basket with Nami in mind: a bottle of her favorite type of wine, scented bath salts for when she wanted to pamper herself, and new pencils for her maps.

Pampering Nami was one of Usopp's favorite things and the man would doubtlessly appreciate it, but Sanji had set out to buy things for Usopp to use and enjoy. The pencils gave him an idea, so he bought a second pack, a new sketchbook, and a book of poetry. Usopp didn't go about sharing his poems with anyone other than Luffy and Nami–Nami more so than Luffy because Luffy didn't often have more input other than "Neat!"–but Sanji had once or twice witnessed Usopp getting struck by inspiration and running off to scribble his thoughts down in his notebook. And if he was anything like Sanji, Usopp would find that studying others' craft would aid him in developing his own.

By the end of the day Sanji realized that he hadn't bought anything for Usopp to give Luffy like he had with Nami, and found himself drawing a blank. His eyes ran across a paddle ball when he came across a vendor selling children's toys and Sanji was certain that Luffy would find hours of entertainment out of it, but Sanji was also certain that he, Zoro, or Nami would grow tired of the endless noise and end up breaking the thing over a knee.

Sanji smirked to himself as he headed back for the ship. Zoro was finishing up polishing his katanas on the lawn in the fading light. Sanji nodded at him on his way to the galley.

"What's that?" Zoro asked, getting up and joining Sanji.

"Something for Usopp," Sanji replied, gently kicking the galley door open.

"Why?" Zoro asked, having never seen Sanji show his affection for the male crew members in ways that didn't involve food.

"I was serious when I said I wanted to thank him," Sanji replied, setting his bags down on the countertop. He pulled everything out of his shopping bags and began assembling the gift basket, using his keen eye and attention to detail to arrange the items in an aesthetically pleasing manner.

Zoro watched him, watched his hands as he moved things around with as much care as he used when arranging a dish. "Shit, you are serious."

Sanji smiled at Zoro around his cigarette. "Yeah, well. I have a lot to be thankful for."

Zoro stepped closer and wrapped an arm around Sanji. He kissed him on the head, burying his nose in his hair. "Me, too."

* * *

"Hey." Sanji rolled over onto his side, looking down at Zoro, who lay on the futon next to him with an arm around his shoulders.

"Yeah?"

Sanji smiled down at Zoro in the dark and kissed him. Zoro kissed him back, rubbing his thumb against Sanji's shoulder. Sanji then pulled away just enough so he could speak. "There's something that surprised me about you reading that notebook."

"And what's that?"

Sanji looked off to the side. "I dunno. I think I was expecting you to judge me for it."

"Why would I do that, Cook?"

"Because you would have done things differently," Sanji mumbled, still staring away from Zoro. "And I thought you'd think I was weak."

Zoro firmly but gently grabbed Sanji's chin, turning his head so he could look at him. "Cook, you're one of the strongest people I know. Some screwed up family members aren't going to change that."

Sanji sighed, resting his head on Zoro's chest and his hand over Zoro's heart. "But I let them do what they wanted..."

"Are you talking about when you were a kid or when you were on Whole Cake?"

Sanji squeezed his eyes shut, curling up against Zoro.

Zoro sighed, slowly stroking Sanji's back. "Cook, you did one of the hardest things a person can do in this life: you survived. I think that's when a person's at his strongest. It doesn't matter what I think–and I think you're strong as hell for coming out on the other side, but again: it doesn't matter what I think. You and I sometimes do things differently. That's okay. What matters now is that you and I can be stronger together."

Sanji lifted his head, gazing at Zoro, holding his breath. Zoro reached over and brushed Sanji's bangs out of his face. They leaned in at the same time, losing themselves in the kiss. Zoro moved and repositioned them so he was on top of Sanji, kissing him with such fervor that Sanji didn't have time to worry about what Zoro thought about the notebook.

And Sanji kissed him back with the same hot intensity, hooking a leg around his waist, anxiety melting off him as he channeled his gratitude into kissing Zoro.

* * *

"So I just...sit here quietly?" Sanji asked, looking up at Zoro from where he knelt.

Zoro nodded. "Just sit there quietly. And remember."

"Do I need to say a prayer?" Sanji asked, sheepishly. He was so new to all of this.

Zoro shrugged. "If that's what helps you," he replied. He crouched as he lit the vanilla scented candle situated in front of Sanji. Zoro had suggested Sanji bring something that reminded him of his mother and Sanji had picked the candle because vanilla was one of her favorite scents.

Zoro stood up straight again. "Take all the time you need," he said, passing his hand along Sanji's shoulders as he headed for the exit. "I'll be downstairs when you're ready."

Zoro exited through the hatch, leaving Sanji in the quiet of the crow's nest. Sanji folded his hands together, rested them on his lap as he watched the steady flame burning at the candle's wick. It wasn't a prayer, but it felt solemn enough for the occasion. Sanji exhaled and closed his eyes, taking in the stillness and silence that surrounded him.

Zoro had approached Sanji a few days ago with the suggestion that he take some time to reflect upon the good memories he had of his mother. Her death couldn't take those away, Zoro explained, and it might make it easier to think about her without associating memories of her with Vinsmoke. Zoro was by far better adjusted than Sanji when it came to grieving for a loved one, so Sanji was inclined to accept his advice. It was why he was here now, alone with his thoughts and memories even if the thought of it still made him uncomfortable, because he trusted Zoro.

They both had experienced such profound loss at such tender ages, but the difference lay in how they both reacted to their grief. Sanji blocked it out and Zoro acknowledged it. Zoro respected his grief, gave it the space it needed, and so he grew and evolved from it. It was why he could talk about that poor girl named Kuina without shutting down. Sanji had taken his own lesson from his loss, had changed because of it, but he hadn't grown from it.

_"Does it ever go away?" Sanji had asked Zoro in the warmth and comfort of his arms._

_"No," Zoro had responded in that honest way of his. "You just learn to live with it. And I don't think it should go away. Knowing things can end just like that is what makes our connections with other people special."_

So now he was taking the time to acknowledge his grief, to invite it in so they could become better acquainted. It was a part of him–the Vinsmokes and what they had done were a part of him–Sanji recognized that now. But what mattered was his own growth; what mattered was Sanji allowing himself to move past them. And it wasn't going to be easy–nothing so necessary and worth doing ever was. But Sanji wasn't alone. He had his friends. He had someone who recognized the ugly within him–the insecurities and the anxieties and the fears–and didn't think less of him for it. On the contrary, Zoro found him that much stronger for confronting his personal demons.

And that made all the difference.

Sanji didn't know how much time he spent up there, the candle his only measure of time. It had burnt a large chunk of itself by the time he opened his eyes and emerged from the small trance he'd slipped into. He felt at peace, tranquil.

And he wanted to find Zoro.

Sanji blew out the candle, whispered a small "Goodbye" into the open air. He exited the crow's nest, breathing in the crisp night air when he stepped down onto the lawn. He found Zoro staring at the dark mass that was the ocean, hunched over the railing. Sensing his presence, Zoro stood up and looked at him over his shoulder, a gentle smile on his face. Sanji returned his smile, breaking into a quick run. He ran to Zoro, leaping into his arms and holding him close.

**End of Act Three**

* * *

**Author's Note:** Okay, that's a wrap! Thanks to those of you who read and left reviews. You can find me on whereistheonepiece on Tumblr and at captainkrueger on AO3, which is where I'll be uploading my One Piece fics from now on. I have a few planned. One of them is even Zosan related.

Until then!


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